The Other Me

Avoiding situations. Knowing the other me--
My dirty little secret keeps me from living free.
Fear of being wrongly judged, of people finding out
That there is the other me that so few do know about.

Doctor after doctor, shrinking my wallet and my head;
Thoughts that make no sense, as I pop another med.
The other me is very clever--but I have learned to compensate...
To even outwit, at times, the phobias of my fate.

Getting stuck on just one thought, replays for hours in my head.
My only mission often was to never wish that I was dead.
The crawl up to my bottom took a nasty toll--
My body and my mind--the other me was in control.

Giving up, too weak to fight; too tired to even sleep--
Another prescription filled; another horror yet to reap.
I hid. I wept. I drank. I cursed the day I was ever born.
Anxiety, so paralyzing, made me most forlorn.

I let confusion and resentment lead me by the hand
To a lonely, angry room--where the other me was in command.
We argued and debated, and I forgot often how to breathe.
The other me, victorious, watched me shake and seethe.

I came to understand that faith was more than just a word...
This set me on a healing path where at long last I was heard.
My mental demons, in retreat, refused to fully leave--
But I could feel again, and I must continue to believe.

Obstacles are more than just a lazily whispered: No
The other me is still attached; not quite a friend nor quite a foe.
Panic, depression, compulsive: I was rewarded many a name--
Nothing stung my soul so fiercely as feeling I was the one to blame.

There was no rhyme or reason--this had to be my fault!
Guilt ravaged my waning sanity, as I begged for it to halt.
My wounds were raw, so fragile--I always asked myself: why me.
Held captive in my head, repeating yet another final plea.

Black Sheep

Not fitting in
Feeling the sting
Of the familial shearing
As my woolen self worth is stripped
Did I cause the ousting of
My place on this earth?
Is this banning deserved?
Outside looking in
My words go unheard
Perhaps I was lewd
And now it's just me,
Without brood
But I grew a thick skin
Not fitting in
Not being accepted
Make my muscles tense up
From feeling rejected
Loud, yes, but loving
As that's just my way
Crying alone on this hilltop
I have but one thing to say:
BAA-AA.

Something From My Days Of Youth

when i found this ohhhh such memories! i used to have a poster of this tacked to my bedroom wall when i was just a kid..so glad to have stumbled across it again...i've been on my poetry site lately so kinda been ignoring blogger...to return soo...

Peace--Have You Really Given It A Chance?

Crazy world or crazy people? one for all but none for one? i'm tired of us being smart enough to have the questions but not smart enough to have the answers. moreover, i'm most weary of sounding freakin' whiny and begging for bullshit that will never, ever happen...i want results--- tangible, sturdy, effective, mind strengthening results....not whininess of what should or could or might be. i feel hot with impatience and intolerance-- and that scares and saddens me for i USED to be strong ...so strong in my younger days---  yet also so wonderfully apathetic .Maybe, maybe by NOT giving a shit... comes peace. Maybe THAT'S the blissful paradox and at last a question with an answer!!! sometimes forgiving yourself-one of the hardest things to do-is the best peace you will ever know. Forget what's "right" (California just legalized gay marriages) my youngest son says: who cares? let them marry! (could that be the blessed apathy i used to feel and display when i was his age? or just his confident and laid back live and let live sense of fairness--- misguided, unjudged or not?) i say-forgive yourself and all your doubts and prejudices and especially the shivering in your boots: "oh i'll be sinning if i condone or believe in or for that"--Your soul knows more than you do and your heart can never lie. forgive yourself first. gently so. gently so.
   I  promise, the world will not end..... ONLY YOUR GUILT....

A Piece Of The Pie

GIVING UP?  
i can do that. done it before. can do it again.
no shame there. do not judge me  you arrogant do-gooder. if i quit, so what. been a long time coming. proud i held out as long as i did-why can't you see that? quitting does not a loser make. it's never TRYING  at all...and even then, there are exceptions. no losers here in buck land. just hope and faith and thoughts and ideas...not dreams or fantasies mind you, for i do live in the real world BUT i must say that dreams and fantasisies DO play an important fuction in the spirit of man. I'm still a play by the rules gal...tho  am a schemer and hav been known to BEND the "rules" so to speak on more than one occasion...but overall, i want realism. solid ground. not wisps of what may or could be... those feelings ARE NICE but seldom get the job done. trust me, i hate being a rule follower...i soooo want to be a fantasy girl...truly i do.  no pressure there, just oblivious trust that things will work out.unfortunatetely i'm cursed with a thinking brain and a smart one at that- if ya dont mind a bit of tooting my own cerebreal horn..
fuckin thinkin' is so overrated.

just let me be.life you wonderful ironic joyous pain in the ass, why cannot you let me just be??? so many demands and obligations and responsibilities and crap that truly i could just puke right now. if ignorance IS  bliss...then is knowledge...what? not bliss??? weeelll there u go..i'm not bliss.  i want to be bliss. blissss bllisss blllisss  elusivie fuckin bliss  piss on bliss.

life made me have a personna that cannot dismiss certain truths and that's cool ok i'm cool with that; i can deal with that. but let me dissect this pie of life and deal with one slice at a time. ok??? no ala mode. just one slice. please.  please. give me the chance to digest this slice and feel secure enough to go onto the next, ok?!! you pie giving mother fucker. anyway, i'm really a "i want the cake and eat it too" kind a person.  (which for the life of me, i've never been able to figure out why it is so wrong to feel that way...i mean, what the hell is WRONG about me wanting to actually eat the cake that i have??) afterall, i've had MORE than my share of eating that humble pie i can tell you that right now!

how could I have been so blind for so long??

I'm a cake girl. 
Not a pie girl!

My Birth Verse--(see what yours is)

Luke 9:22 NIV
And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

I find this ironic because of how shameful I acted on Easter Day, just a few days ago...maybe I'll blog about that later...all fingers pointing at me. Think I'm in the familial dog house...

BirthVerse :: Scripture Verse for your Birthday.

Late Night Thoughts

i have intuition--some may call it paranoia but that would be just plain mean--yet here i am, wide awake at 4am, thinkin about my oldest son, john, in the pa poconos. okay you got me, i'm worrying...(something i'v inadvertantly successfully accomplished) --john should be at work and i just tried to call him but only got his vm. we briefly talked earlier.but he's not really what i'm "worrying" about... 
  i feel like i've become quite freakin boring ever since i stopped drinking last april...not that i was any major prize as a raging alcoholic but at least, in my sloppy drunken stupors, i thought i was....so, when i do on occasion worry about my adult sons, i simply call it my motherly entitlement. basically, it sucks, them not needing me any more, because now i'm only left to focus on myself and god knows i'm no good at taking care of me. in fact, i've been on such a self destructive path for way too long now that i'm at a total loss as to how to even rememdy or to change all the bad i've done to myself, my health, my body, my ways. so i sit here, a 49 year old freak of nature, bleeding like crazy as that monthly shit won't stop--where oh where is my menapause? and i think of odd things--such as a recent mole hair addition to my face-also i've been wondering why, on a spiritual whim, back in the summer of 1999, after a good four or five years of playing the newly divorced i-will-cast-off-my-marital-shackles and play the slut mom for a while (which by all accounts was shameful and provocative and for sure far from sexually satisfying) why then did i make that vow of celibacy and promise god that i will give up sex (sex, not orgasms mind you, for i'm no fool) until i either actually fall in love or get married again neither of which has happened so who knew it would be this long??? i was tested for all the std's etc and started living a life of no more boom boom and before i knew it, my prime sex years were behind me instead of a giving man.... 
   and i regret and i sigh and i wonder...mostly though i wonder, with all of our technology, why no one in this fuckin universe of ours can offer me a landline corded phone with a cord that WILL NOT tangle itself into a tight curled plastic frenzied frustating mess of unyielding bullshit.

Cheers!

well, today is my 12th anniversary of living here, bought this home, new, back in 1999--ironic that my first night in this abode was on april fool's day...my first four yrs after my divorce, i rented a little slumlord duplex for me and my two little boys. i was so proud, as that was my first place on my own, ever. and, somehow, i've managed to finanacially survive on my own, making shit for pay, and of course, no child support, and of course, no help in achieving the said child support-- no matter how many agencies i begged to help me. that's an old story, for my ex has since passed, (alcoholism) and i still carry on. and ps-i'd rather have my boys' dad alive and well over any amount of arrearages he owed.

so cheers to me on my anniversary...may i live long enough to pay off the mortgage! morevover, may i live long enough to feel alive...

I Am A Fraud

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 62:6



sure, i put on a brave front...but that is all it is: a front. basically, i am a fraud though not on purpose or by design mind you...however, that does not make me any less of a fraud. if i kid myself, it is only hurting me. or..........is it?
  i am so extremely sick of hearing my same ole whinings, my same old promises, my same boring old plans to change. indeed, i am the girl who cried: bullshit, for even i no longer believe in what i say. my ideas are good in theory--however; my body never puts things into motion. i seldom get headaches but have had them for several days now. i want to sleep all day. i do not even really cry anymore which is shocking in itself. anxiety, as horrible as that feels, is now replaced by sheer nothingness. numbness. apathy. i do not want to move. i do not want to think. i have seemed to have given up. i really do not understand this new me.
 i know i have physical limitations which that in and of itself is a major reflection of my daily rituals or rather lack thereof. i crave to be more active.the tragic truth is: i probably am not as apathetic as i claim to be, for if i truly was without care, i would not be mourning the loss of physical movement that i used to have and took so much for granted. now i simply want to be able to stand long enough to take a nice shower before my back begins to burn and my trembly legs turn into jello. i simply want the simple things of being able to walk more that ten feet before needing to sit and rest. i even, just a few days ago, bought some veggie seeds to plant a little garden in the flower bed on the side of my house, the flowers which froze during our four day freak freeze in january. there are the packets of seeds, on the kitchen table, taunting me, for even they know thay shall never be planted. i bought deck sealer months ago...my deck will never be sealed by me. i ambitiously if not foolishly bought a quart of indoor paint and a paintbrush to do a little touch up painting on my back door frame--ha, who was i kidding?? my body is stiff, my neck constantly creaks, and my soul is tired.
i am a fraud....and i do not even do that well any more.

so...i sit here, conscience of my tight tense body, sipping a diet grape soda (which disgustingly reminds me of sugary sweet children's cough syrup) and i am processing my thoughts, and i just want to disappear. but then luckily i remember, i all ready have.

The Plight of the Multi Phobic Single Mom

Yes. It is true. I am fucked up. But, I am smart. How very fortunate for me that studies have shown that the truly high in IQ's are the ones most likely to suffer from these types of phobias and ocd's. Okay....but..... I'm still envious of the ignorant is bliss syndrome.

my cat of 15 years, how he annoys me!! forcing his love on me when all i want to do is brood! AND! being a stubborn oblivious feline, he resists when i loudly say scat or even when i push him away...he will simply velcro is body to the carpet and continue to purr and to continue to show me his love. at least my dog knows how to respect my space and my misery...

To all who were ever fired unjustly: KISS MY ASS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH, EAST TO WEST AND THEN UP YOUR OWN ASS TIL THE EVIL THAT IS YOU KEELS OVER FROM YOUR VERY OWN CORPORATE INFECTED STENCH

even layin' low, drama creeps in under my front door, laughing and pointing....I know life will always just do things TO me, but I want to do things WITH it...if not in the actual drivers seat, at least in the passenger seat...in my car of life, seems I've always chosen the safer, slower lanes or the easier, longer back routes--but watch out, think I just may have to move up to tailgater!! (just hope I have enough gas left in me!!)

waiting for a miracle...(is it REALLY ok to actually like myself now or to continue to wait for the julie i'm aspiring to be in the future...?) he said: i see no cause to wait. i replied: see, it's logic like that that seems to elude me, or even if i see it, i still seem to choose to ignore it... guess i've been in a funk for hmmmm the past 20 yrs or so...whoa how time flies when depression is my familiar counterpart! you are right though. maybe this is a new stage in my life! and i should just go for it..! scary tho...

had a visit from an old friend last night, one who i did NOT WANT TO SEE--name: anxiety. thank you heaven above for removing this "friend" from my home and my heart!

watching my youngest son, fumbling towards a vague future (as his dreams are not yet put into goals,) watching him miss opportunities, and hearing his negative, misguided beliefs in higher education and religion is nothing short of my heart breaking on a daily baisis...i find solace only in my faith that God has a plan for us all...

my question of the day: oh the agony of living, as well as the joy---i wonder...are both on equal grounds or does one or the other only get the upper hand if we allow it?

denzel's right: you GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO so as eventually you can DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO! (much like myself, so many folk never do the "gotta do" part so end up never being able to do what they "want to do" part. pity.

why do people so easily (almost eagerly) believe in EVIL, --which by all accounts is Satan.....BUT YET, demand PROOF OF GOD?????? ( i say, look outside, and THERE'S your "proof" -- you demented fools.) luckily God has mercy even on the ignorant...

are illogical thoughtless people secretly evil geniuses OR simply oblivious true blue dumbasses???

my biggest pet peeve?? ok, when people say whatever rude thing they want (and usually totally mean it) AND THEN TRY AND BACK PADDLE and blame it ON YOU by saying bull like: oh i didn't mean it LIKE THAT, or, YOU took it the wrong way. blah blah blah either way THEY got to say whatever horrible thing they felt and then TRY and justify it by telling you it's YOUR fault for reacting negatively to it. what a load!

Why Me

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

Sitting here, not really feeling much of anything....a little anxiety, i suppose, but nothing too severe. My son is at his job, so it's just me and my little dog. it's dark out, and from the slightly parted curtains on one of my living room windows, i can see a cars' headlights, parked in the next door neighbors driveway. makes me aware that i don't drive any more. i have a perfectly fine car and all, but...my claustraphobia got the best of me last year, and too many intense panic attacks happened while driving, so, i just, can't or won't, drive anymore. like a baby, i have my son drive me weekly to the grocery store. makes me feel absolutely ridiculous, and angry at myself. i have gotten on new types of meds almost a year ago and they have worked wonders. so i believe that my refusal to drive is now just a memory fear, for driving itself i am not afraid of--it's the things that i have physically and mentally experienced while driving that i fear. trapped. cannot be at a light unless i'm on the right side lane and/or either i am the first one at the light and/or i have an "out" easily available.. left turn lights, no way, no escape. freeways and bridges, forget it. for a while there, i could not even be a passenger. now that sucked. it's still hard to be a passenger, and i still will not allow the driver to get on bridges or freeways. it's messed up. in fact, it's messed up my whole life. i'm letting life pass me by, and i've cheated myself out of so much living and invitations for fear my dirty little secret would be discovered. now all those closest to me know, but before, when work things were going on, or just casual get togethers with acquaitances or whatnot, or even formal such as weddings etc, i would not attend. i hate that i am like this. i know avoidance is not the answer, but it was and is all i know. makes me soul sad. i mostly accept it now, but still a part of me thinks i can get back to at least driving again. that is my goal. i want to see driving as freedom--which it is actually. i must re train my brain. i'm so weary of being teary. frankly, i'm exhausted from years of learning how to compensate for this phobia. and it hurts. i feel i am too smart to be so stupid, to have allowed myself to become a victim, a prisoner in my own mind, body, and home. i've been digging a tunnel to breaking out of this hold, but my shovel is small and my fear is... big.

The Whole World

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." - Psalms 116:1-2

-2

Seems i've always had the whole world at my fingertips, but never yet to have it securely in the palms of my hands. i think i'm, a watcher. funny, always thought of myself as a doer. and i do, do. lately tho, i watch. still get things done, because life dictates i must, but i seldom actually participate. In life. Seems i mostly live in the past, regretting it, or in the future, fearing it. just when did i become a failure? by my calculations, probably somewhere about thirty years ago. yes, that long. when i fail, i fail big, and forever. i could recover. mostly though, i just cover, and live in my denial mode which is comfy and familiar albeit self-defeating. i judge myself harshly. always have. where is my present? where did time go? where did i go? i hear myself repeating things to my sons that my parents used to tell me....and i see them not listening, much like i did at their age. life is a four letter word. luckily, a word can be heard from either ear. i sit here, alone and dry skinned, menapausal, and strangely at peace. happiness is fleeting at best. peace truly is the sign of success. so perhaps i'm not so much a failure as i am simply, ambition-less. i know me. i know my weaknesses. do i know my strengths?? i believe that i do. and i do have things that i still i want to do. but does that an ambition make? no more questions now. just quests, for my life is entering a whole new stage, and with open arms, i think i will greet it thusly. wish me luck.

When Life Goes My Way

Even when life goes my way, I quickly look for the next worry..(now that can't be right.) Is there something just fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I so quick to dismiss happiness--as fleeting as my happy feelings may be-- as an alarm button to be on the alert for my next crisis? Why, I wonder, am I so prone to looking for the worst, or at the very least, a dilemma? Am I not capable of simply enjoying the here and the now when I am actually feeling good? What makes me put up the old familiar red flag whenever all is seemingly okay? Is it because "seemingly" is the key word? And that I just don't really believe in "okay?" Do I want to ditch "okay" before it ditches me? Is this some sort of warped defense mechanism? I know I want to feel good and at peace (for I accept actual happiness as only a brief at best but wonderful feeling nonetheless.) and I actually see peace as the true sign of success...however; I almost cringe in disbelief when life goes my way and I shy away and accuse it of being misleading and cruel--in short, falsehoods. This good cannot be for me. Am I even worthy? I'm much more comfortable in my self made and/or brain imposed misery so when life throws me a meaty bone --I'm like please, do not play with me. I respond in a cautious way and demand my familiar meatless brittle bone, because I know that type of living and how dare it change on me without proper notice! Am I a cynic, or just a realist? Am I cheating myself out of all the good life has to offer as well as all the good I myself can derive from it? I thought I appreciate all the good I can get. or.... do I? When things are bad, I can relate to that and thereby justify my pain....but when things are good, how do I justify anything???

Where Did Julie Go?

august 11, 2009

....i USED to be there...for sure i KNOW I WANT to be there...i just don't know, if, i am...or, if i even care. Whoever is here now--it's NOT ME. i know that much for sure.
and it's not like it's been a recent thing. i have not been me since i was 28 yrs old. i can almost pinpoint the exact freakin day, right down to what i was doing, right before i... disappeared.
  Mind you now, i didn't choose to "disappear"---it happened TO ME. and..... i've been fighting it ever since. sometimes fiercely, sometimes quietly, sometimes desperately, sometimes wrongly...but fighting nonetheless. and i'm fuckin exhausted. truly fucking exhausted. sometimes i can accept this "new" me as really i seem to have no choice=afterall= wherever i go, i follow, ya know. so i figured, can't fight it, join it. that however never brought the original me completely back. and that's not fair. that sucks big time. and it saddens me so severely...so fucking severely. i'll be whoever i am, but i still want some say in the matter. "overcoming this anger that i've come to know, lacking a peace of mind i've lost some time ago" (streisand song quote). not an easy task. i'm sick of challenges. if we are spirits of power, calm, and sound mind and not ones of fear (as the bible tells us)...then why, i ask, am i so full of fear??? at times, paralyzing fear. no lie. just agonizing fear. emotional despair. someone close to me recently said that i just must like "feeling sorry" for myself. how not true!! i MAY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BUT!! i definitley do NOT LIKE IT. another close one said that i'm not supposed to change who i am or keep attempting to rid this other part of me that has taken over...but to accept it, which like i said earlier, i've tried doing that because it just made good sense to me back then (and i'm nothing if not logical) and it actually still makes sense. this person, just last night in fact said to me that once i truly ACCEPT this me, or this part of me, then the fear will begin to dissipate...because i will be giving it nothing to feed on. of course, i tell him, human instinct tells me to run from things that scare me, but THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED IT. only when i say, ok, come here, i'm yours, come get me, be me, do whatever the hell you want, ONLY THEN will it stop, only then will i feel the calm again, the me i once was...and the OLD ME is back, at least temporarily so. and that's how i've been living. not the best way to live. it's quite stressful...but my cross to bear i suppose and a heavy, painful one at that. very painful. no one knows. no one. oh, i mean folk close to me do "know" about this part of me, but no way do they, could they, or would i ever WANT them to, actually know what it feels like. for now, i will be grateful to breathe, and to love. and no longer will i ask myself: where did julie go? for she's right here, as sincere as ever, a tad older for sure, definitely a tad wiser, and for sure a lot more aware and appreciative of the life and gifts around her...

ps  and a most happy birthday tomorrow, to you, korey, with love

Clowns Change Meaning

A jester jumping in my mind...

Such silliness--this brain clown,

This master of Jokes--

Yet I still feel so down.

No laughter; just reflection.

I cry for my past.

Why, when things should,

They still just don't last?

Is not a promise a promise-

A vow still a vow?

Commitment and Loyalty-

Do not we know how?

I am broken, and shattered.

Jesters just tease.

The young girl I once was

Is now down on her knees.

Begging, and prideless.

So beyond feeling proud.

I humble myself to this new Jester Crowd

Of youth and bright futures

And hope with no fear.

I have been there before

But now I am here.

Locked in Adulthood.

So grown up, that is me--

Though the questions still come

And still, I am not free.

Clowns, they still dance and

Humor surrounds me, but

Forever Mature Status

Continues to bound me.

Humility inflicted, and

With wisdom in tow,

I will comfort The Young.

I will whisper: I know....

(to all those who grew up when their backs were turned)

To All Divorced/Single Moms When Your Son Leaves You For Another Man (his dad)

dear john,
   some say "let go"  some say "letting go"
some call it "selfish love"
i look for you in my dreams
and always in the stars above.
when you left, i died.
when you did not say goodbye, i cried.
we both know why you left
or perhaps i have my own thoughts.
you spoke in contrasts...
you said this to me, this to her,
this to him, that to them.
i sat bewildered, hurt, angry,
and sad.
none of it made sense.
yet, at the same time, it all did.
watching you pack, leaving me,
my firstborn, my kid,
i fidgeted, i slept,
i drank, i wept.
nothing helped.
nothing was SUPPOSED to help.
this pain was ours, i suppose,
ours to feel, and to know.
the tension was thick
the sadness was deep
all i could do was wonder
and weep.
i looked to your brother,
for him, i was brave.
he was braver than i, however,
for he confessed he only cried "at night"
so as you wouldn't see.
your brother, in his youth,
so wise and so strong
to only want you to be
where you feel you belong.
his heart screamed out-stay!
but his love for you kept him focused only on you,
and he quietly let you leave.
only after your footsteps towards the plane
did he, with me, so openly grieve.
and his sobs, by you, went unheard.
his tears on his pillow,
my arms and hands reaching out to
somehow comfort him.
we both wondered if you were
missing us as we were missing you.
your brother, james, stayed home on that first day of school
because of how i ruined your last day here,
so wrong of me, i know.
making sense of the senseless happenings-
i know i let you down-
it seemed easier than letting you go.
i knew i was choosing the wrong way
of saying goodbye
but to say goodbye at all-
my heart wouldn't let me try!!!
i burst a billion times.
inside, i spun and spun.
what happened to my son??
he's been such a treasure,
a gift wrapped by heaven given to me
in december of '83.
so many memories raced within me-
and none i wanted to remember
as my pain was fiercely strong
and the memories stung.
but mostly "i love you"
wore on my tongue.
it all got confusing
so much to say and yet
no time or need to say it
knowing i was not
making it "easy" for you
i truly felt i could have
helped you sweetly on your way
i also truly felt like
i was going to mess it up
and mess it up i did
yet another hurt doled out, by me, to me,
and to you and to all of us.
thinking you'd stay if i begged
thinking you'd stay if i cried
thinking you'd stay if i told you
that all i wanted to do was die.
all this is bad and twisted, i know
i even allowd bad rumors of me to grow
in yet one last foolish attempt that you would not go.
as a mother, every fiber in my soul
said i was being oh so very cruel
as a person who felt torn
as a woman who felt worn
i didn't care about my lack of insight-
only that perhaps you'd stay if i looked
sad enough-you might, you might.
at 5:30 am you knocked on this front door
brought here by a grandfather you'd seldom seen before
while the other grandfather (my dad) waited here
inside this home
i was here, too, as so was your grandmother
and little brother
a brother who feared so much to sleep
should he not see you one last time
we all sat here in silence
almost like witnesses to a crime
yet we all knew it was no crime
for you to want to be with your dad
we also knew it was not wrong
for us to be feeling so sad
the only wrong here
was me, and my behavior,
something i can never take back
i watched you carry your suitcases
out the door, wanting to speak,
knowing if i did, i'd really crack.
we both avoided each other's eyes
much like we'd avoided contact
of any type the past few days
our indifference toward each other
so unfamiliar, made me crazed.
but i sat still at the table
frozen like a deer in headlights
hoping you'd see me before
completely running me over.
i knew i deserved nothing from you
yet i wanted so much!
just a smile, a touch.
in your haste to go
you hugged your grandfolks
and you appeard so small and
so fragile inside, and i heard
my mom ask if you were
going to say goodbye to me
stumbling breathlessly out the front door
you muttered a short "bye" in my general direction
i had no time to reply
as the door swung closed, almost reluctantly behind you,
into the salty muggy air
a new dawn yet to show light
as i sat frozen in my chair
fighting feelings to go after you
with all of my might
feeling numb to the reality
yet seeing more clearly
than ever before in all my life
knowing my world was changing
my heart so keenly feeling the knife
that only a mother could feel
when she's cut and hurt the one she loves
searching for that numbness
to feel nothing was my plan
as i saw my first born depart into the night
a boy, yet so close to being a man.
i stayed quiet and sat still-
my folks left for their home
i walked towards my bedroom
feeling so so so alone
and scared, and strange, and so surreal
too many feelings i did not want to feel...
i cuddled into my bed, seeking comfort that was not there
i watched and listened to james' sleeping
as james now chooses to sleep in my room,
on the floor, on a pallet of blankets-
he says he's too lonely on the other side of this place
without his big brother
in the room next to his
for his little soul to chase
as he peacefully falls into dreamland-
how often you, john, would tuck him in!
but your freedom, john, is yours now-
at least i mean you are free from us
needing and asking and expecting things of you
from day to day to day
and i can only conclude
that you want in now this way.
that morning as your grandma rode home
with grandpa, to their house out on the lake,
she told me later how she said a silent special prayer
and handed you gently over to god
and her eyes blurred in the early morning
in attempts to seek out your plane up in the skies
as the sun tiredly tried to rise
turning the sky to pink
and even grandpa's eyes
were giving in to blink.
6:50 am and there goes my son
off into a world of his choosing
while his brother curls in an unfitful snoozing
and as i lay stiff in my bed
flashing through memories inside of my head
sleep is an enemy
too far for me to reach
i ease my body out of bed
and i amble through my home
somehow exactly knowing
where my feet were choosing thus to roam
i opened the door into your still lighted room
and i inhale the essense that is you
i fall onto your bed
tentative yet determined
to understand this moment
which is so beyond my reach
it goes so deep and wordless
i clutch onto your blue comforter
and heave sobs and cry without shame
for a child that was once you
and now who will never be the same
for a son i could no longer protect and
for my other son who was now with just me
for all that was left behind
this room, this you, this pain
for my young boy who's on a plane
flying towards a future i cannot share
i feel that's so unfair
and i cling upon your blankets
on this bed i gave to you
the nights you slept in here,
much much much too few,
i mourned for you, i did,
laying there on your abandoned bed
and my tear filled eyed looked around your room
still feeling you right here
holding you so dear
crying for things that should never have been said
mostly crying for words we were too afraid to shed
off our stubborn walls of willfullness
what happened here, just what?
we love each other yet, but...
i'm frazzled and hot
yet chilled to the bone
where are you, my son?
do you, too, feel alone
as you fly off to denver
or are you relieved-
just what do you feel?
just what are you feeling?
i so want to help you!
i'm too late, my guilt screams.
now i'm just left to
visit you in my dreams
you left us all behind
i assume in your hopes to find
a piece of you that's missing
a part of you that aches
what could you have wanted
that you couldn't get here?
who could possibly love you
and hold you more dear?
what could you have craved
that i couldn't give you
aspens and pine trees
perhaps a snowshoe or two?
i myself stand ashamed
my anger i can't get past
i know you need to go
it just happened way too fast
find and know your dad
live your life, just live,
and know your home is always here,and
my love for you to give...
later:
be extra loving to yourself
and feel that i am with you
you are such a golden part of me
please live a caring, joyfilled life,
i thank you dearly for being you-
who you are now, who you will one day be,
and who you will always be to me.
i will never fully let go of you-
that, my darling son, is one treasured truth that
i will tightly hold onto for all eternity...
     with so much love,
          mom

 written in august 2000 when my 16 yr old son decided to go live with his dad-he'd always been with me -he was only nine when his dad and i divorced and moved to different states..john moved back with me and his brother a year and a half later right after turning age 18

Contradictions At My Job

contracdictions...ya gotta luv 'em--if not, tolerate them.

what's with all the ask a differerent person, get a different answer syndrome that i've been encountering on a daily basis lately??? maybe, maybe it's ALWAYS been that way, but, i'm just NOW noticing. if so, then that's just really sad and so unobservant of me. But, i thinketh tis not true. Tis a recent occurence and the "higher ups" just spit out whatever and are oblivious to the repercussions that their answers may have on other people. When confronted that they may be wrong, they get sooo overly defensive and turn the tables on me and accuse ME of being confrontational and unyielding and unwilling to take and to belive their bullshit at face level. uhhh excuse me but...  i beg to differ... and there you go! i am suddenly the problematic child and am no longer worthy of their time--no matter how gentle i beg to differ and suggest that perhaps this is wrong-NO MATTER. I am now in- their ignorant minds- blacklisted and i enlist warning signs in their souls to sound the alarm that this girl actually has a mind capable of forming her own thoughts and i'm fucked now but i'm gonna stick to my guns albeit wrong and make her eat dirt and feel like shit for daring to question my infallibility. No one is infallible. and if their answers would simply honestly be: jeez i'm just not sure but i can look into it... wow THAT i could accept and respect. but to not back down despite i now have other peers here and/or written proof concurring with me that they-the answer givers- are wrong...just makes me marvel...and not in a good way. i am not here to challenge. just simply here to get some correct information. knowledge is power. and since i must conform to your rules, i NEED TO KNOW the correct procedure--NOT  just the YOU  THINK  this is the correct procedure. FOR ALL THAT IS  HOLY, PLEASE I BEG YOU, TELL ME THE ACTUAL PROCEDURE-- that's really not asking for a whole lot. you should applaud me for even caring. but no.. i get ousted, in a quiet fashion mind you, but outsted nonetheless. it is okay to not know the answers. i'm cool with that. i ONLY ask you, because you are the one who SHOULD KNOW. how sad is this...if i dare go over your head and ask for a second opinion   whoa baby  to dare to ask u to ask someone else to confirm what u r saying is correct...how dare me!!! and i almost wnt to and sometimes even do apologize... but, i believe u r wrong, please assisit. what's ironic is: u r not held accoutable for giving me the wrong information--ONLY I AM AFFECTED and i sometimes have to pay a heavy toll for that, for following incorrect info. irony sucks. sucks for me. who are you accountable to, i wonder???? why cannot we ever be on the same page? i mean, i follow the rules, and ask for directions if i get lost or if procedures have changed, so why cannot u tell me the correct way??? afterall, THAT IS your function...so DO IT RIGHT or don't do it at all,and don't let me fry at my expense, and let me drown alone. i want to so bring u down w/me. u remain safe. i hate u for that. never justice or closure. i grow bitter and less interested in performing to the best i know i can do...because of people like you who hav the power but share it wrongly. only i am the scapegoat. and only i know the truth of what happened. but my misinformed "friend"--YOU know it too and YOU too will suffer, as karma is real and that sucks for you. aint life a bitch? or, is that just you????
i'll choose the latter....
march 2008

WORRY

too worry or not to worry? forgive yourself  first-  yeah right SCREW that---I AM A HYPOCRITE!!!!   I drove to work yesterday, crying all the way... felt ssooooo sad and did not even know why. he said the secret is: not to worry.  wow that REALLY IS a secret ! someone asked why am i so pissed off why am i so pissed off so okay it was actually it TWO people who askd me this in the past few days.Why, they asked--  because life and love and trust and truth is all lies WITH A CAPITAL BULLSHIT...BRANDED WITH A TINY LITTLE FUCK BURIED CAREFULLY UNDER THE BULLSHIT FOR ONE LAST LINGERING TASTE OF THE ASS KICKING AND ASS KISSING WE ALL GET AND DO EVERY DAY OF OR SORRY EXISTENCES.
  THAT, plus i ate a whole pizza all by myself today---what can i say   ? maybe i'm NOT a fraud  (hypocrite) cuz i sure forgave myself for that one!!!  this pizza "confession" may sound funny but it's true--hmmmm...... at first i felt a tad what? the whole thing? did i really just scarf that whole pizza? yeah, but, i was full halfway- - no matter!- shove shove shove it all in, i did, and i felt  almost NO guilt at all. baby steps, huh..  I'm learning ...  tonight the whole pizza --  tomorrow, TWO pizzas AND the cinnamon sticks-- hey its GOOD to have a goal...much to the contrary of the guy who said to me the other day (you know, the don't worry guy)-  he also said: don't plan-  as god will provide.  i asked : but doesn't god help those who help themselves? he replied: true sure but still no need to plan because things have a way of working themselves out.  i replied: but isnt that just playing ostrich and hoping for the best?  no he said -then I said: ok. so, let me understand-- NOT to plan is ok and it's ok  living in the denial mode?-  see? i was all ready and quickly beginning to adapt to this way of thinking and believing  (i'm nothing if not flexible..) i said  to myself:: yeah yeah why plan ? i may die today and tomorrow or next year won't even matter...is that the way to look at things? or--  is that morbid, or,-- just good sense ?or irresponsible? or the chill way ?  answer:  all of the above - the moral may REALLY be---  just don't worry -- whether you are a planner or not -- wow so many choices   yet  feeling so trapped at the same time ! do i appreciate anythng? most definitely!!!!!!!....  perhaps just not myself...
does life betray us or do we betray life? if it's the latter then isn't it one in the same as WE ARE OUR LIFE AND OUR LIVES ARE US..???
i wish i had a faggoty glass of or wine or two....

When Simple Things Go Awry

aka: my life in a "nutcase shell"
Why do people say: do not sweat the small stuff?  i don't know about you but I HAVE to sweat the small stuff because when it comes to the "big stuff" -i CANNOT AFFORD TO SWEAT and therefore I have to act as opposed to re-acting. Nonetheless, i digress, because lately it seems that the stupid stuff that surrounds us all has been most annoying and my patience has been overly tested and i have failed the patience test on a consistent basis. I know i must be selective when i choose my battles yet when simple things go awry DUE TO NO FAULT OF MY OWN i truly wanna go postal!! Granted, i'm just as stupid as the next person (give or take a few billion brain cells) but c'mon people, i have been swamped with stupid mistakes, errors that have caused me overwhelming undeserved stress, rude people who no longer even PRETEND to care, computer generated "system" bloopers that no one seems to EVEN know who to direct me to to get it fixed--oh they direct me alright-but ALWAYS (after 30 minutes on the phone listening to the "how the menu options may have changed so please listen carefully" bullshit robotic automated recording) i am thrusted to yet another dumbass- rude again -human mutant informing me in their most condescending (sometimes heavily foreignly accented) voice that they cannot help me but so and so can, and i stupidly-NOT hopefully- call "so and so"and listen to MORE automated crap, and more: you have reached a department that does not handle this, we are so sorry... and i can FEEL this satisfied secret smile on their allegedly i am here to help faces. No one cares. No one. And i could ALMOST handle that if they would at least fake it and throw me a pretend we fucked you but we apolize bone. My bones i get are glistening clean with no tiny piece of empathetic grizzle or catilidge. Gosh, i crave that. Gee, i miss the good ole days of sincerity and assistance and resolution. Now, it's all one huge chain of continous unsolved errors emitting from stupid unhelpful assholes or untouchable man-made-i-bring-the-truth-albeit incorrect data computers that no NOT how to resolve but only to reduce me into a desperate whining near the begging point smothering crying shaking anxiety-ridden guilty angry what's wrong with me why cannot anyone help me is it my fault i give up microscopic piece of  confused irriatated human rubble ...and it hurts. Immensely so. Therefore, fuck patience and all its virtue. I am WORTHY of receiving the proper assistance--GETTING IT is another story...which is why- when simple things go awry, so DO I!!!!

Hurt By A Sibling?

family....such bull. Let me rephase that: my brother
He is the most lost soul i know short of my now deceased ex husband...I love my brother so much. I truly believe he does not know how to do that, simply to love, to feel that.... and that scares me for him. i'm still overcoming such recent war wounds with that guy. he cannot be beat. he is way too strong. but...i think i am stronger, because i came out still feeling, still loving, still caring. i would not let him kill that--tho he did make a grand cruel effort. and believe me, cruel it was. i've seen cruel before. i've been cruel before. but this was in a class all by itself...with god's help, i trust i will heal. for all of you out there who have been hurt by a sibling--DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF  and just take one minute at a time. try not to overthink, or to attempt to analyze that of which there is no logic to...it hurts, i know, but remember the saying: forgiving is not forgetting--it's remembering and letting go. i'm still in the how the hell do i let this go???? i'm almost there. the forgiving was easy. the memory i can not change that. the letting go i will continue to work on. and so should any of you, who have been so deeply emotionally cut by a sibling. best of luck and peace.