yeah i have not blogged in months, and who gives a shit...i know i don't. i definitely fell off my world for several months over the holidays and am just now responding tentatively to gravity...but i gotta say: being grounded aint all it's cracked up to be. it's been more than clear that i am alone. and it sucks. sometimes my entire body just ACHES from feeling so lonely...no one to love me...no one to share with...no one to laugh with....no one for me to love...i hate sounding so pathetic. perhaps there is no shame here.
i get angry. my neighbors three huge dogs are only let outside to do giant steamy stinky piles of crap--right there off my front deck where said neighbors convienently used part of my side fence to construct somewhat of a makeshift doggie run, used only for their daily doggie shit needs...and i dont blame the dogs...seems it's just my luck...and what's with the freaky usually shirtless beerbelly always gardening man across the street who if he's not fuckin around in his yard, he's plopped on a cheap white plastic deck chair staring straight at me---and this has gone on for years...what the fuck ever....i guess i'm just mentioning this shit because since last summer i have been an outside smoker...and i cannot help but notice some of the outside goings ons. yeah. a real block party. ha
i am the family villain. i am the family mental case. i'm alone and lonely. this is neither here nor there. i have a great family. my problems, however, keep me from living my life. i'm soooo freakin' tired of feeling tired. and purposeless. ms no job. ms do nothing. ms sleep all day. ms eat for comfort. ms no one cares. ms joyless. ms what the fuck has happened to me?????
i suppose i have to continue on. i wonder when i will die. i certainly do not feel alive...
jbuck
feb.3 2012
