Holed Up In My Room

what exactly IS left to say when there is nothing left to feel---save for defeat, anxiety, and fear?....which by NO MEANS add up to Anything...so, i guess what i mean to ask, is: what exactly is there left to say when there is nothing left to feel but so much negativity and fear...?? but, i digress, as i so often do...folk tell me: TOUGHEN UP, or, JUST RELAX....cool, i can relate...except for ONE THING: where's the manual on that shit????  i have no instructions on the following HOW TO'S: relax, toughen up, snap outa it, get it together, stop whining, whadda ya want me to do about it, you know what you have to do, just do it, ---OH MY GAWD!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!  i know this is all said to me outa love, but simply cuz ya say what i all ready KNOW i gotta do DOES NOT MEAN i can do it. it also doesn't mean that i dont know how. just means...i can't. not now. want or not. desire has no part in this. never has. call me a social outcast. call me whatever. i'm so social tho, that's what i don't get. i'm a paradox of wanting and knowing how but of can't and don't want to due to fear etc. wild. and terrifying. i hate it. damn it all....ok, few months later, no better really, just more bitter. and i might add- a tad more paranoid. being holed up in your room i suppose tends to do that to one. this is so not my fault, yet i will balance a shitload of self imposed guilt on me daily, as well as guilt i feel i should just have for extra flavor, whatever, but nonetheless, i know intellectually logically medically etc that THIS is not my fault...yet...i still feel soooo frail and ashamed and alarmed and hurt and scared and inactive and overwhelmed and lost and lonely and lonely lonely lonely( LONELY worthe mentioning more than once) as no one gets it, or seems to--not even ME AND I'M THE ONE EXPERIENCING IT-- so go figure. i hate me. pure and simple. simple minded. (i wish!) one thing i'm not. (i wish) ignorance, as "they" say is bliss...how i miss bliss. bliss now only comes in a bottle marked heavenly hill (vodka, circa 2009) and it is bliss, temporary at best, but a gal like me does deserve an honest break, doncha think???

nov.15,2009

"May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you." - Psalm 20:1