dear john,
some say "let go" some say "letting go"
some call it "selfish love"
i look for you in my dreams
and always in the stars above.
when you left, i died.
when you did not say goodbye, i cried.
we both know why you left
or perhaps i have my own thoughts.
you spoke in contrasts...
you said this to me, this to her,
this to him, that to them.
i sat bewildered, hurt, angry,
and sad.
none of it made sense.
yet, at the same time, it all did.
watching you pack, leaving me,
my firstborn, my kid,
i fidgeted, i slept,
i drank, i wept.
nothing helped.
nothing was SUPPOSED to help.
this pain was ours, i suppose,
ours to feel, and to know.
the tension was thick
the sadness was deep
all i could do was wonder
and weep.
i looked to your brother,
for him, i was brave.
he was braver than i, however,
for he confessed he only cried "at night"
so as you wouldn't see.
your brother, in his youth,
so wise and so strong
to only want you to be
where you feel you belong.
his heart screamed out-stay!
but his love for you kept him focused only on you,
and he quietly let you leave.
only after your footsteps towards the plane
did he, with me, so openly grieve.
and his sobs, by you, went unheard.
his tears on his pillow,
my arms and hands reaching out to
somehow comfort him.
we both wondered if you were
missing us as we were missing you.
your brother, james, stayed home on that first day of school
because of how i ruined your last day here,
so wrong of me, i know.
making sense of the senseless happenings-
i know i let you down-
it seemed easier than letting you go.
i knew i was choosing the wrong way
of saying goodbye
but to say goodbye at all-
my heart wouldn't let me try!!!
i burst a billion times.
inside, i spun and spun.
what happened to my son??
he's been such a treasure,
a gift wrapped by heaven given to me
in december of '83.
so many memories raced within me-
and none i wanted to remember
as my pain was fiercely strong
and the memories stung.
but mostly "i love you"
wore on my tongue.
it all got confusing
so much to say and yet
no time or need to say it
knowing i was not
making it "easy" for you
i truly felt i could have
helped you sweetly on your way
i also truly felt like
i was going to mess it up
and mess it up i did
yet another hurt doled out, by me, to me,
and to you and to all of us.
thinking you'd stay if i begged
thinking you'd stay if i cried
thinking you'd stay if i told you
that all i wanted to do was die.
all this is bad and twisted, i know
i even allowd bad rumors of me to grow
in yet one last foolish attempt that you would not go.
as a mother, every fiber in my soul
said i was being oh so very cruel
as a person who felt torn
as a woman who felt worn
i didn't care about my lack of insight-
only that perhaps you'd stay if i looked
sad enough-you might, you might.
at 5:30 am you knocked on this front door
brought here by a grandfather you'd seldom seen before
while the other grandfather (my dad) waited here
inside this home
i was here, too, as so was your grandmother
and little brother
a brother who feared so much to sleep
should he not see you one last time
we all sat here in silence
almost like witnesses to a crime
yet we all knew it was no crime
for you to want to be with your dad
we also knew it was not wrong
for us to be feeling so sad
the only wrong here
was me, and my behavior,
something i can never take back
i watched you carry your suitcases
out the door, wanting to speak,
knowing if i did, i'd really crack.
we both avoided each other's eyes
much like we'd avoided contact
of any type the past few days
our indifference toward each other
so unfamiliar, made me crazed.
but i sat still at the table
frozen like a deer in headlights
hoping you'd see me before
completely running me over.
i knew i deserved nothing from you
yet i wanted so much!
just a smile, a touch.
in your haste to go
you hugged your grandfolks
and you appeard so small and
so fragile inside, and i heard
my mom ask if you were
going to say goodbye to me
stumbling breathlessly out the front door
you muttered a short "bye" in my general direction
i had no time to reply
as the door swung closed, almost reluctantly behind you,
into the salty muggy air
a new dawn yet to show light
as i sat frozen in my chair
fighting feelings to go after you
with all of my might
feeling numb to the reality
yet seeing more clearly
than ever before in all my life
knowing my world was changing
my heart so keenly feeling the knife
that only a mother could feel
when she's cut and hurt the one she loves
searching for that numbness
to feel nothing was my plan
as i saw my first born depart into the night
a boy, yet so close to being a man.
i stayed quiet and sat still-
my folks left for their home
i walked towards my bedroom
feeling so so so alone
and scared, and strange, and so surreal
too many feelings i did not want to feel...
i cuddled into my bed, seeking comfort that was not there
i watched and listened to james' sleeping
as james now chooses to sleep in my room,
on the floor, on a pallet of blankets-
he says he's too lonely on the other side of this place
without his big brother
in the room next to his
for his little soul to chase
as he peacefully falls into dreamland-
how often you, john, would tuck him in!
but your freedom, john, is yours now-
at least i mean you are free from us
needing and asking and expecting things of you
from day to day to day
and i can only conclude
that you want in now this way.
that morning as your grandma rode home
with grandpa, to their house out on the lake,
she told me later how she said a silent special prayer
and handed you gently over to god
and her eyes blurred in the early morning
in attempts to seek out your plane up in the skies
as the sun tiredly tried to rise
turning the sky to pink
and even grandpa's eyes
were giving in to blink.
6:50 am and there goes my son
off into a world of his choosing
while his brother curls in an unfitful snoozing
and as i lay stiff in my bed
flashing through memories inside of my head
sleep is an enemy
too far for me to reach
i ease my body out of bed
and i amble through my home
somehow exactly knowing
where my feet were choosing thus to roam
i opened the door into your still lighted room
and i inhale the essense that is you
i fall onto your bed
tentative yet determined
to understand this moment
which is so beyond my reach
it goes so deep and wordless
i clutch onto your blue comforter
and heave sobs and cry without shame
for a child that was once you
and now who will never be the same
for a son i could no longer protect and
for my other son who was now with just me
for all that was left behind
this room, this you, this pain
for my young boy who's on a plane
flying towards a future i cannot share
i feel that's so unfair
and i cling upon your blankets
on this bed i gave to you
the nights you slept in here,
much much much too few,
i mourned for you, i did,
laying there on your abandoned bed
and my tear filled eyed looked around your room
still feeling you right here
holding you so dear
crying for things that should never have been said
mostly crying for words we were too afraid to shed
off our stubborn walls of willfullness
what happened here, just what?
we love each other yet, but...
i'm frazzled and hot
yet chilled to the bone
where are you, my son?
do you, too, feel alone
as you fly off to denver
or are you relieved-
just what do you feel?
just what are you feeling?
i so want to help you!
i'm too late, my guilt screams.
now i'm just left to
visit you in my dreams
you left us all behind
i assume in your hopes to find
a piece of you that's missing
a part of you that aches
what could you have wanted
that you couldn't get here?
who could possibly love you
and hold you more dear?
what could you have craved
that i couldn't give you
aspens and pine trees
perhaps a snowshoe or two?
i myself stand ashamed
my anger i can't get past
i know you need to go
it just happened way too fast
find and know your dad
live your life, just live,
and know your home is always here,and
my love for you to give...
later:
be extra loving to yourself
and feel that i am with you
you are such a golden part of me
please live a caring, joyfilled life,
i thank you dearly for being you-
who you are now, who you will one day be,
and who you will always be to me.
i will never fully let go of you-
that, my darling son, is one treasured truth that
i will tightly hold onto for all eternity...
with so much love,
mom
written in august 2000 when my 16 yr old son decided to go live with his dad-he'd always been with me -he was only nine when his dad and i divorced and moved to different states..john moved back with me and his brother a year and a half later right after turning age 18
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