and it's not like it's been a recent thing. i have not been me since i was 28 yrs old. i can almost pinpoint the exact freakin day, right down to what i was doing, right before i... disappeared.
Mind you now, i didn't choose to "disappear"---it happened TO ME. and..... i've been fighting it ever since. sometimes fiercely, sometimes quietly, sometimes desperately, sometimes wrongly...but fighting nonetheless. and i'm fuckin exhausted. truly fucking exhausted. sometimes i can accept this "new" me as really i seem to have no choice=afterall= wherever i go, i follow, ya know. so i figured, can't fight it, join it. that however never brought the original me completely back. and that's not fair. that sucks big time. and it saddens me so severely...so fucking severely. i'll be whoever i am, but i still want some say in the matter. "overcoming this anger that i've come to know, lacking a peace of mind i've lost some time ago" (streisand song quote). not an easy task. i'm sick of challenges. if we are spirits of power, calm, and sound mind and not ones of fear (as the bible tells us)...then why, i ask, am i so full of fear??? at times, paralyzing fear. no lie. just agonizing fear. emotional despair. someone close to me recently said that i just must like "feeling sorry" for myself. how not true!! i MAY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BUT!! i definitley do NOT LIKE IT. another close one said that i'm not supposed to change who i am or keep attempting to rid this other part of me that has taken over...but to accept it, which like i said earlier, i've tried doing that because it just made good sense to me back then (and i'm nothing if not logical) and it actually still makes sense. this person, just last night in fact said to me that once i truly ACCEPT this me, or this part of me, then the fear will begin to dissipate...because i will be giving it nothing to feed on. of course, i tell him, human instinct tells me to run from things that scare me, but THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED IT. only when i say, ok, come here, i'm yours, come get me, be me, do whatever the hell you want, ONLY THEN will it stop, only then will i feel the calm again, the me i once was...and the OLD ME is back, at least temporarily so. and that's how i've been living. not the best way to live. it's quite stressful...but my cross to bear i suppose and a heavy, painful one at that. very painful. no one knows. no one. oh, i mean folk close to me do "know" about this part of me, but no way do they, could they, or would i ever WANT them to, actually know what it feels like. for now, i will be grateful to breathe, and to love. and no longer will i ask myself: where did julie go? for she's right here, as sincere as ever, a tad older for sure, definitely a tad wiser, and for sure a lot more aware and appreciative of the life and gifts around her...
ps and a most happy birthday tomorrow, to you, korey, with love
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