When Life Goes My Way

Even when life goes my way, I quickly look for the next worry..(now that can't be right.) Is there something just fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I so quick to dismiss happiness--as fleeting as my happy feelings may be-- as an alarm button to be on the alert for my next crisis? Why, I wonder, am I so prone to looking for the worst, or at the very least, a dilemma? Am I not capable of simply enjoying the here and the now when I am actually feeling good? What makes me put up the old familiar red flag whenever all is seemingly okay? Is it because "seemingly" is the key word? And that I just don't really believe in "okay?" Do I want to ditch "okay" before it ditches me? Is this some sort of warped defense mechanism? I know I want to feel good and at peace (for I accept actual happiness as only a brief at best but wonderful feeling nonetheless.) and I actually see peace as the true sign of success...however; I almost cringe in disbelief when life goes my way and I shy away and accuse it of being misleading and cruel--in short, falsehoods. This good cannot be for me. Am I even worthy? I'm much more comfortable in my self made and/or brain imposed misery so when life throws me a meaty bone --I'm like please, do not play with me. I respond in a cautious way and demand my familiar meatless brittle bone, because I know that type of living and how dare it change on me without proper notice! Am I a cynic, or just a realist? Am I cheating myself out of all the good life has to offer as well as all the good I myself can derive from it? I thought I appreciate all the good I can get. or.... do I? When things are bad, I can relate to that and thereby justify my pain....but when things are good, how do I justify anything???