I have suffered and struggled with, tolerated, compensated for, sought medical help, psychological help, my own spriritual help, drank gallons of beer, upgraded to vodka last year and continued to self medicate...as social and sarcastic and fun loving as I am-- I have nonetheless been a recluse, a shut in, a hermit, a bed clinger, a fear dweller, a death wisher, a self hater, a self blamer, ashamed, confused, embarrassed, and desperately existing in total despair. In short, when I was 28, my first full blown out of the blue what the hell is this rush to the emergency room panic attack happened...and since then, the down hill continued. When I got fired from my job in Sept. 2009, (due to attendance issues, what else?) I sunk to the lowest of lows in the most severest of ways. I was afraid of everything, from darkness to driving to life itself. My fears, phobias, and obsessions ruled my every thought and breath. By the grace of God, I found just enough strength to be driven for medical attention in april 2010, and the very next day (april 16, 2010) I poured out my vodka--every true alcholic always remembers the exact day--and I have not touched a drop of booze since then...and have been on my way to leading and having my life back. I still will not drive, as some fears now are just memories that still I let control me...but I have come light years in this healing process, and I owe it all to my faith and to the treasured blessings Jesus and Mary, God and the saints have bestowed upon me.
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