Sitting here, not really feeling much of anything....a little anxiety, i suppose, but nothing too severe. My son is at his job, so it's just me and my little dog. it's dark out, and from the slightly parted curtains on one of my living room windows, i can see a cars' headlights, parked in the next door neighbors driveway. makes me aware that i don't drive any more. i have a perfectly fine car and all, but...my claustraphobia got the best of me last year, and too many intense panic attacks happened while driving, so, i just, can't or won't, drive anymore. like a baby, i have my son drive me weekly to the grocery store. makes me feel absolutely ridiculous, and angry at myself. i have gotten on new types of meds almost a year ago and they have worked wonders. so i believe that my refusal to drive is now just a memory fear, for driving itself i am not afraid of--it's the things that i have physically and mentally experienced while driving that i fear. trapped. cannot be at a light unless i'm on the right side lane and/or either i am the first one at the light and/or i have an "out" easily available.. left turn lights, no way, no escape. freeways and bridges, forget it. for a while there, i could not even be a passenger. now that sucked. it's still hard to be a passenger, and i still will not allow the driver to get on bridges or freeways. it's messed up. in fact, it's messed up my whole life. i'm letting life pass me by, and i've cheated myself out of so much living and invitations for fear my dirty little secret would be discovered. now all those closest to me know, but before, when work things were going on, or just casual get togethers with acquaitances or whatnot, or even formal such as weddings etc, i would not attend. i hate that i am like this. i know avoidance is not the answer, but it was and is all i know. makes me soul sad. i mostly accept it now, but still a part of me thinks i can get back to at least driving again. that is my goal. i want to see driving as freedom--which it is actually. i must re train my brain. i'm so weary of being teary. frankly, i'm exhausted from years of learning how to compensate for this phobia. and it hurts. i feel i am too smart to be so stupid, to have allowed myself to become a victim, a prisoner in my own mind, body, and home. i've been digging a tunnel to breaking out of this hold, but my shovel is small and my fear is... big.
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