I Am A Fraud

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 62:6



sure, i put on a brave front...but that is all it is: a front. basically, i am a fraud though not on purpose or by design mind you...however, that does not make me any less of a fraud. if i kid myself, it is only hurting me. or..........is it?
  i am so extremely sick of hearing my same ole whinings, my same old promises, my same boring old plans to change. indeed, i am the girl who cried: bullshit, for even i no longer believe in what i say. my ideas are good in theory--however; my body never puts things into motion. i seldom get headaches but have had them for several days now. i want to sleep all day. i do not even really cry anymore which is shocking in itself. anxiety, as horrible as that feels, is now replaced by sheer nothingness. numbness. apathy. i do not want to move. i do not want to think. i have seemed to have given up. i really do not understand this new me.
 i know i have physical limitations which that in and of itself is a major reflection of my daily rituals or rather lack thereof. i crave to be more active.the tragic truth is: i probably am not as apathetic as i claim to be, for if i truly was without care, i would not be mourning the loss of physical movement that i used to have and took so much for granted. now i simply want to be able to stand long enough to take a nice shower before my back begins to burn and my trembly legs turn into jello. i simply want the simple things of being able to walk more that ten feet before needing to sit and rest. i even, just a few days ago, bought some veggie seeds to plant a little garden in the flower bed on the side of my house, the flowers which froze during our four day freak freeze in january. there are the packets of seeds, on the kitchen table, taunting me, for even they know thay shall never be planted. i bought deck sealer months ago...my deck will never be sealed by me. i ambitiously if not foolishly bought a quart of indoor paint and a paintbrush to do a little touch up painting on my back door frame--ha, who was i kidding?? my body is stiff, my neck constantly creaks, and my soul is tired.
i am a fraud....and i do not even do that well any more.

so...i sit here, conscience of my tight tense body, sipping a diet grape soda (which disgustingly reminds me of sugary sweet children's cough syrup) and i am processing my thoughts, and i just want to disappear. but then luckily i remember, i all ready have.