The Whole World

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." - Psalms 116:1-2

-2

Seems i've always had the whole world at my fingertips, but never yet to have it securely in the palms of my hands. i think i'm, a watcher. funny, always thought of myself as a doer. and i do, do. lately tho, i watch. still get things done, because life dictates i must, but i seldom actually participate. In life. Seems i mostly live in the past, regretting it, or in the future, fearing it. just when did i become a failure? by my calculations, probably somewhere about thirty years ago. yes, that long. when i fail, i fail big, and forever. i could recover. mostly though, i just cover, and live in my denial mode which is comfy and familiar albeit self-defeating. i judge myself harshly. always have. where is my present? where did time go? where did i go? i hear myself repeating things to my sons that my parents used to tell me....and i see them not listening, much like i did at their age. life is a four letter word. luckily, a word can be heard from either ear. i sit here, alone and dry skinned, menapausal, and strangely at peace. happiness is fleeting at best. peace truly is the sign of success. so perhaps i'm not so much a failure as i am simply, ambition-less. i know me. i know my weaknesses. do i know my strengths?? i believe that i do. and i do have things that i still i want to do. but does that an ambition make? no more questions now. just quests, for my life is entering a whole new stage, and with open arms, i think i will greet it thusly. wish me luck.