I Am A Fraud

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 62:6



sure, i put on a brave front...but that is all it is: a front. basically, i am a fraud though not on purpose or by design mind you...however, that does not make me any less of a fraud. if i kid myself, it is only hurting me. or..........is it?
  i am so extremely sick of hearing my same ole whinings, my same old promises, my same boring old plans to change. indeed, i am the girl who cried: bullshit, for even i no longer believe in what i say. my ideas are good in theory--however; my body never puts things into motion. i seldom get headaches but have had them for several days now. i want to sleep all day. i do not even really cry anymore which is shocking in itself. anxiety, as horrible as that feels, is now replaced by sheer nothingness. numbness. apathy. i do not want to move. i do not want to think. i have seemed to have given up. i really do not understand this new me.
 i know i have physical limitations which that in and of itself is a major reflection of my daily rituals or rather lack thereof. i crave to be more active.the tragic truth is: i probably am not as apathetic as i claim to be, for if i truly was without care, i would not be mourning the loss of physical movement that i used to have and took so much for granted. now i simply want to be able to stand long enough to take a nice shower before my back begins to burn and my trembly legs turn into jello. i simply want the simple things of being able to walk more that ten feet before needing to sit and rest. i even, just a few days ago, bought some veggie seeds to plant a little garden in the flower bed on the side of my house, the flowers which froze during our four day freak freeze in january. there are the packets of seeds, on the kitchen table, taunting me, for even they know thay shall never be planted. i bought deck sealer months ago...my deck will never be sealed by me. i ambitiously if not foolishly bought a quart of indoor paint and a paintbrush to do a little touch up painting on my back door frame--ha, who was i kidding?? my body is stiff, my neck constantly creaks, and my soul is tired.
i am a fraud....and i do not even do that well any more.

so...i sit here, conscience of my tight tense body, sipping a diet grape soda (which disgustingly reminds me of sugary sweet children's cough syrup) and i am processing my thoughts, and i just want to disappear. but then luckily i remember, i all ready have.

The Plight of the Multi Phobic Single Mom

Yes. It is true. I am fucked up. But, I am smart. How very fortunate for me that studies have shown that the truly high in IQ's are the ones most likely to suffer from these types of phobias and ocd's. Okay....but..... I'm still envious of the ignorant is bliss syndrome.

my cat of 15 years, how he annoys me!! forcing his love on me when all i want to do is brood! AND! being a stubborn oblivious feline, he resists when i loudly say scat or even when i push him away...he will simply velcro is body to the carpet and continue to purr and to continue to show me his love. at least my dog knows how to respect my space and my misery...

To all who were ever fired unjustly: KISS MY ASS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH, EAST TO WEST AND THEN UP YOUR OWN ASS TIL THE EVIL THAT IS YOU KEELS OVER FROM YOUR VERY OWN CORPORATE INFECTED STENCH

even layin' low, drama creeps in under my front door, laughing and pointing....I know life will always just do things TO me, but I want to do things WITH it...if not in the actual drivers seat, at least in the passenger seat...in my car of life, seems I've always chosen the safer, slower lanes or the easier, longer back routes--but watch out, think I just may have to move up to tailgater!! (just hope I have enough gas left in me!!)

waiting for a miracle...(is it REALLY ok to actually like myself now or to continue to wait for the julie i'm aspiring to be in the future...?) he said: i see no cause to wait. i replied: see, it's logic like that that seems to elude me, or even if i see it, i still seem to choose to ignore it... guess i've been in a funk for hmmmm the past 20 yrs or so...whoa how time flies when depression is my familiar counterpart! you are right though. maybe this is a new stage in my life! and i should just go for it..! scary tho...

had a visit from an old friend last night, one who i did NOT WANT TO SEE--name: anxiety. thank you heaven above for removing this "friend" from my home and my heart!

watching my youngest son, fumbling towards a vague future (as his dreams are not yet put into goals,) watching him miss opportunities, and hearing his negative, misguided beliefs in higher education and religion is nothing short of my heart breaking on a daily baisis...i find solace only in my faith that God has a plan for us all...

my question of the day: oh the agony of living, as well as the joy---i wonder...are both on equal grounds or does one or the other only get the upper hand if we allow it?

denzel's right: you GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO so as eventually you can DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO! (much like myself, so many folk never do the "gotta do" part so end up never being able to do what they "want to do" part. pity.

why do people so easily (almost eagerly) believe in EVIL, --which by all accounts is Satan.....BUT YET, demand PROOF OF GOD?????? ( i say, look outside, and THERE'S your "proof" -- you demented fools.) luckily God has mercy even on the ignorant...

are illogical thoughtless people secretly evil geniuses OR simply oblivious true blue dumbasses???

my biggest pet peeve?? ok, when people say whatever rude thing they want (and usually totally mean it) AND THEN TRY AND BACK PADDLE and blame it ON YOU by saying bull like: oh i didn't mean it LIKE THAT, or, YOU took it the wrong way. blah blah blah either way THEY got to say whatever horrible thing they felt and then TRY and justify it by telling you it's YOUR fault for reacting negatively to it. what a load!

Getting Fucked

it's nothing new, getting fucked. my ass is now on permanent birth control, i've been fucked over so many times. the good bad or the ugly, it will happen to you. people fucking people is just a jacked up fact of life. i'm talkin' now about the corporate dick fuck. and the governmental anal invasion, as well as the all too familiar lack of proper customer service ass screw. no gettin' around it. you just have to hold your breath and let the fucking finish doing you in before you can fart a sigh of relief and go about your merry way. any ass fucking that doesn't kill you will only make you angrier. and anger is a great way to survive these rectum attacks. now i'm not saying to just bend over and make it any easier for this shit to happen. indeed, stand your ground and take it like the decent human being you are..know that this will soon all be only be a smelly memory and that the one true thing you can rely on is: one day, the fucker will eventually be the fuckee. and THIS FACT, my friends, is what makes this suffering tolerable. heh heh heh heh

Why Me

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

Sitting here, not really feeling much of anything....a little anxiety, i suppose, but nothing too severe. My son is at his job, so it's just me and my little dog. it's dark out, and from the slightly parted curtains on one of my living room windows, i can see a cars' headlights, parked in the next door neighbors driveway. makes me aware that i don't drive any more. i have a perfectly fine car and all, but...my claustraphobia got the best of me last year, and too many intense panic attacks happened while driving, so, i just, can't or won't, drive anymore. like a baby, i have my son drive me weekly to the grocery store. makes me feel absolutely ridiculous, and angry at myself. i have gotten on new types of meds almost a year ago and they have worked wonders. so i believe that my refusal to drive is now just a memory fear, for driving itself i am not afraid of--it's the things that i have physically and mentally experienced while driving that i fear. trapped. cannot be at a light unless i'm on the right side lane and/or either i am the first one at the light and/or i have an "out" easily available.. left turn lights, no way, no escape. freeways and bridges, forget it. for a while there, i could not even be a passenger. now that sucked. it's still hard to be a passenger, and i still will not allow the driver to get on bridges or freeways. it's messed up. in fact, it's messed up my whole life. i'm letting life pass me by, and i've cheated myself out of so much living and invitations for fear my dirty little secret would be discovered. now all those closest to me know, but before, when work things were going on, or just casual get togethers with acquaitances or whatnot, or even formal such as weddings etc, i would not attend. i hate that i am like this. i know avoidance is not the answer, but it was and is all i know. makes me soul sad. i mostly accept it now, but still a part of me thinks i can get back to at least driving again. that is my goal. i want to see driving as freedom--which it is actually. i must re train my brain. i'm so weary of being teary. frankly, i'm exhausted from years of learning how to compensate for this phobia. and it hurts. i feel i am too smart to be so stupid, to have allowed myself to become a victim, a prisoner in my own mind, body, and home. i've been digging a tunnel to breaking out of this hold, but my shovel is small and my fear is... big.

The Whole World

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." - Psalms 116:1-2

-2

Seems i've always had the whole world at my fingertips, but never yet to have it securely in the palms of my hands. i think i'm, a watcher. funny, always thought of myself as a doer. and i do, do. lately tho, i watch. still get things done, because life dictates i must, but i seldom actually participate. In life. Seems i mostly live in the past, regretting it, or in the future, fearing it. just when did i become a failure? by my calculations, probably somewhere about thirty years ago. yes, that long. when i fail, i fail big, and forever. i could recover. mostly though, i just cover, and live in my denial mode which is comfy and familiar albeit self-defeating. i judge myself harshly. always have. where is my present? where did time go? where did i go? i hear myself repeating things to my sons that my parents used to tell me....and i see them not listening, much like i did at their age. life is a four letter word. luckily, a word can be heard from either ear. i sit here, alone and dry skinned, menapausal, and strangely at peace. happiness is fleeting at best. peace truly is the sign of success. so perhaps i'm not so much a failure as i am simply, ambition-less. i know me. i know my weaknesses. do i know my strengths?? i believe that i do. and i do have things that i still i want to do. but does that an ambition make? no more questions now. just quests, for my life is entering a whole new stage, and with open arms, i think i will greet it thusly. wish me luck.