Peace--Have You Really Given It A Chance?

Crazy world or crazy people? one for all but none for one? i'm tired of us being smart enough to have the questions but not smart enough to have the answers. moreover, i'm most weary of sounding freakin' whiny and begging for bullshit that will never, ever happen...i want results--- tangible, sturdy, effective, mind strengthening results....not whininess of what should or could or might be. i feel hot with impatience and intolerance-- and that scares and saddens me for i USED to be strong ...so strong in my younger days---  yet also so wonderfully apathetic .Maybe, maybe by NOT giving a shit... comes peace. Maybe THAT'S the blissful paradox and at last a question with an answer!!! sometimes forgiving yourself-one of the hardest things to do-is the best peace you will ever know. Forget what's "right" (California just legalized gay marriages) my youngest son says: who cares? let them marry! (could that be the blessed apathy i used to feel and display when i was his age? or just his confident and laid back live and let live sense of fairness--- misguided, unjudged or not?) i say-forgive yourself and all your doubts and prejudices and especially the shivering in your boots: "oh i'll be sinning if i condone or believe in or for that"--Your soul knows more than you do and your heart can never lie. forgive yourself first. gently so. gently so.
   I  promise, the world will not end..... ONLY YOUR GUILT....

A Piece Of The Pie

GIVING UP?  
i can do that. done it before. can do it again.
no shame there. do not judge me  you arrogant do-gooder. if i quit, so what. been a long time coming. proud i held out as long as i did-why can't you see that? quitting does not a loser make. it's never TRYING  at all...and even then, there are exceptions. no losers here in buck land. just hope and faith and thoughts and ideas...not dreams or fantasies mind you, for i do live in the real world BUT i must say that dreams and fantasisies DO play an important fuction in the spirit of man. I'm still a play by the rules gal...tho  am a schemer and hav been known to BEND the "rules" so to speak on more than one occasion...but overall, i want realism. solid ground. not wisps of what may or could be... those feelings ARE NICE but seldom get the job done. trust me, i hate being a rule follower...i soooo want to be a fantasy girl...truly i do.  no pressure there, just oblivious trust that things will work out.unfortunatetely i'm cursed with a thinking brain and a smart one at that- if ya dont mind a bit of tooting my own cerebreal horn..
fuckin thinkin' is so overrated.

just let me be.life you wonderful ironic joyous pain in the ass, why cannot you let me just be??? so many demands and obligations and responsibilities and crap that truly i could just puke right now. if ignorance IS  bliss...then is knowledge...what? not bliss??? weeelll there u go..i'm not bliss.  i want to be bliss. blissss bllisss blllisss  elusivie fuckin bliss  piss on bliss.

life made me have a personna that cannot dismiss certain truths and that's cool ok i'm cool with that; i can deal with that. but let me dissect this pie of life and deal with one slice at a time. ok??? no ala mode. just one slice. please.  please. give me the chance to digest this slice and feel secure enough to go onto the next, ok?!! you pie giving mother fucker. anyway, i'm really a "i want the cake and eat it too" kind a person.  (which for the life of me, i've never been able to figure out why it is so wrong to feel that way...i mean, what the hell is WRONG about me wanting to actually eat the cake that i have??) afterall, i've had MORE than my share of eating that humble pie i can tell you that right now!

how could I have been so blind for so long??

I'm a cake girl. 
Not a pie girl!

My Birth Verse--(see what yours is)

Luke 9:22 NIV
And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

I find this ironic because of how shameful I acted on Easter Day, just a few days ago...maybe I'll blog about that later...all fingers pointing at me. Think I'm in the familial dog house...

BirthVerse :: Scripture Verse for your Birthday.

My Ghost

    My son, James, and I got home last night, after midnight, from my folks, enjoyed an evening of visiting, eating, playing games, the usual...
    What WAS NOT usual was what happened immediately upon our arrival home. now i've come a long way from my mental fall out(s) and i was pretty happy that yesterday, april 17, marked my one yr anniversary of no more booze, and also the day i was put on medication for my depression and phobias, but moreover, it had been a full year since my last full blown panic attack...meaning of course, on the late night drive home, my thoughts were racing--naturally, my 20 yr old son james was driving my car as sure, i've come a long way, but i still have yet to get back to driving, and because i was i was having irrational thoughts about, whoa, what if--the two words i have been counseled never to use--i freak out now thus not reaching my full yr or whatever! making the ride home anxiety ridden and keeping me on the edge. really nothing new there though.
    So we made it home and our 9 yr old rat terrier, roxy, greeted us excitedly and james flipped on his favorite kitchen light over the sink and we sat in the living room. just then the kitchen light, the bulb of which he had just replaced not even a week ago, started to flicker and shimmer and then went out. fine. but allow me to digress....for several months now, i have been feeling something lightly walking on my bed. it almost feels like how a dog heavier than 12 pound roxy would feel if said dog was walking on my mattress. once, i even felt it from under the mattress--i was lying on my bed and then thump, the mattress just was bumped from underneath, causing me to even move. i always quickly look to see where roxy is and she's always sleeping quietly in her doggie bed by my closet door. i've told james about these weird bed things, but just blew it off.
    Last month my dad was here, talking about he is going to cover the living room floor vents as i am soon going to have new carpet installed. He did his measuring etc and came back a few days later to do the job. but, the day after he was first here, i came out of my bedroom about 10am, walking towards the computer desk in the living room, and right then and there in full frontal view, i saw a white wispy mist, swirling up from near the floor vent nxt to the coffee table--it was about two feet long and about six inches wide, and it wafted up and swirled and curled itself around back floorward, under the coffee table towards the yet to be covered floor vent and disappeared. i was transfixed, but yet not afraid. no fear at all, did i feel. and i've thought about that mist many times since then and have told several family members about it.
    Ironically, just a few days ago, i told james how i'm still feeling the mattress walker on my bed, and in fact just last week, two nights in a row, it was a different thing: me laying in bed, tv on, i'm half asleep, but then as clear as day, i feel something jump onto my bed, strong enough to jostle me from my sleep, and wake up, look around, see roxy in her bed. very strange. james said, wow,  that he did not know that that was still happening. i said, for sure, but i just don't talk about it...
     Now, back to arriving home last night...when the kitchen light first flickered and went out, i thought to myself: why not talk to the spirit, so i did. i said, ok, you must be my bed walker, can you turn that light back on? and the light came back on, then went out. james and i looked at each other nervously, with wide eyes. i said to the ghost: oh well, once is just a coincidence, do it again and then maybe i'll believe you are real. and, just like that, on perfect cue, the light blinked back on for a good 5 seconds, then went out. james and i talked about it for a few minutes, and then not to be put off, i requested that the ghost prove just one last time that it can do it again, to please just try, even if you are feeling drained. well, the light, to our chilling surprise, qucikly flashed on and held itself on for several seconds  then blinked out. meanwhile, roxy had hid behind our tv shelf. james and i discussed this phenomenon for at least 30 minutes. roxy slinked out from behind the shelf and with her tail tucked, stayed close by my side. she was shaking slightly. i asked: what's wrong girl, what's wrong? her ears perked up in answer to my questions and i said: go get it, roxy. and whenever in the past i say to her: go get it--she instantly runs to the front door but this time she made a few steps towards the kitchen then stopped in her tracks and came back to my side, trembling again. and then she would stare off into the kitchen. very odd. i told james, ok, it's been over 30 minutes since we've asked the ghost to turn the light back on, as we were waiting to see if the light would turn on without our request--which it had not. i said, ok the bulb is for sure dead now; i said good night to the ghost and just then the light blinked on and off, ON CUE! that's when i said, no more, and got up and turned off the light switch. almost immediately, roxy was herself again.
    And, we all went to bed.
    Now, what the hell was that all about?

Next day: When james got home from his job at around 8pm, i told him to turn on the kithchen light and see if the ghost wants to talk. he flipped on the switch, no light came on, so i said--hello ghost, oh well, looks like you are as dead as that bulb. (yes, a little provoking, as for sure by now, that bulb would not come on again) but it did! right on cue. i said, thankyou ghost. and the light blinked on and off again, as if to say you're welcome. james and i just looked at each other in uneasy amazement....i said, well, now i'm freaked out. and the light blinked on and off. i replied to the ghost--oh you like that i'm freaked out, huh? and there again, the light came on then off. that's when i said, ok, time to change the bulb, which james promptly did.
     All i can say is--much like every other skeptic--it had to be just a crazy bulb, one that just so happened to perfectly know when to respond to my questions and/or comments...c'mon, is that really so hard to believe??? no harm in a little defying of logic, now is there? hmmmm...?

Late Night Thoughts

i have intuition--some may call it paranoia but that would be just plain mean--yet here i am, wide awake at 4am, thinkin about my oldest son, john, in the pa poconos. okay you got me, i'm worrying...(something i'v inadvertantly successfully accomplished) --john should be at work and i just tried to call him but only got his vm. we briefly talked earlier.but he's not really what i'm "worrying" about... 
  i feel like i've become quite freakin boring ever since i stopped drinking last april...not that i was any major prize as a raging alcoholic but at least, in my sloppy drunken stupors, i thought i was....so, when i do on occasion worry about my adult sons, i simply call it my motherly entitlement. basically, it sucks, them not needing me any more, because now i'm only left to focus on myself and god knows i'm no good at taking care of me. in fact, i've been on such a self destructive path for way too long now that i'm at a total loss as to how to even rememdy or to change all the bad i've done to myself, my health, my body, my ways. so i sit here, a 49 year old freak of nature, bleeding like crazy as that monthly shit won't stop--where oh where is my menapause? and i think of odd things--such as a recent mole hair addition to my face-also i've been wondering why, on a spiritual whim, back in the summer of 1999, after a good four or five years of playing the newly divorced i-will-cast-off-my-marital-shackles and play the slut mom for a while (which by all accounts was shameful and provocative and for sure far from sexually satisfying) why then did i make that vow of celibacy and promise god that i will give up sex (sex, not orgasms mind you, for i'm no fool) until i either actually fall in love or get married again neither of which has happened so who knew it would be this long??? i was tested for all the std's etc and started living a life of no more boom boom and before i knew it, my prime sex years were behind me instead of a giving man.... 
   and i regret and i sigh and i wonder...mostly though i wonder, with all of our technology, why no one in this fuckin universe of ours can offer me a landline corded phone with a cord that WILL NOT tangle itself into a tight curled plastic frenzied frustating mess of unyielding bullshit.

Cheers!

well, today is my 12th anniversary of living here, bought this home, new, back in 1999--ironic that my first night in this abode was on april fool's day...my first four yrs after my divorce, i rented a little slumlord duplex for me and my two little boys. i was so proud, as that was my first place on my own, ever. and, somehow, i've managed to finanacially survive on my own, making shit for pay, and of course, no child support, and of course, no help in achieving the said child support-- no matter how many agencies i begged to help me. that's an old story, for my ex has since passed, (alcoholism) and i still carry on. and ps-i'd rather have my boys' dad alive and well over any amount of arrearages he owed.

so cheers to me on my anniversary...may i live long enough to pay off the mortgage! morevover, may i live long enough to feel alive...