Late Night Thoughts

i have intuition--some may call it paranoia but that would be just plain mean--yet here i am, wide awake at 4am, thinkin about my oldest son, john, in the pa poconos. okay you got me, i'm worrying...(something i'v inadvertantly successfully accomplished) --john should be at work and i just tried to call him but only got his vm. we briefly talked earlier.but he's not really what i'm "worrying" about... 
  i feel like i've become quite freakin boring ever since i stopped drinking last april...not that i was any major prize as a raging alcoholic but at least, in my sloppy drunken stupors, i thought i was....so, when i do on occasion worry about my adult sons, i simply call it my motherly entitlement. basically, it sucks, them not needing me any more, because now i'm only left to focus on myself and god knows i'm no good at taking care of me. in fact, i've been on such a self destructive path for way too long now that i'm at a total loss as to how to even rememdy or to change all the bad i've done to myself, my health, my body, my ways. so i sit here, a 49 year old freak of nature, bleeding like crazy as that monthly shit won't stop--where oh where is my menapause? and i think of odd things--such as a recent mole hair addition to my face-also i've been wondering why, on a spiritual whim, back in the summer of 1999, after a good four or five years of playing the newly divorced i-will-cast-off-my-marital-shackles and play the slut mom for a while (which by all accounts was shameful and provocative and for sure far from sexually satisfying) why then did i make that vow of celibacy and promise god that i will give up sex (sex, not orgasms mind you, for i'm no fool) until i either actually fall in love or get married again neither of which has happened so who knew it would be this long??? i was tested for all the std's etc and started living a life of no more boom boom and before i knew it, my prime sex years were behind me instead of a giving man.... 
   and i regret and i sigh and i wonder...mostly though i wonder, with all of our technology, why no one in this fuckin universe of ours can offer me a landline corded phone with a cord that WILL NOT tangle itself into a tight curled plastic frenzied frustating mess of unyielding bullshit.