purple hippo

The Other Me

Avoiding situations. Knowing the other me--
My dirty little secret keeps me from living free.
Fear of being wrongly judged, of people finding out
That there is the other me that so few do know about.

Doctor after doctor, shrinking my wallet and my head;
Thoughts that make no sense, as I pop another med.
The other me is very clever--but I have learned to compensate...
To even outwit, at times, the phobias of my fate.

Getting stuck on just one thought, replays for hours in my head.
My only mission often was to never wish that I was dead.
The crawl up to my bottom took a nasty toll--
My body and my mind--the other me was in control.

Giving up, too weak to fight; too tired to even sleep--
Another prescription filled; another horror yet to reap.
I hid. I wept. I drank. I cursed the day I was ever born.
Anxiety, so paralyzing, made me most forlorn.

I let confusion and resentment lead me by the hand
To a lonely, angry room--where the other me was in command.
We argued and debated, and I forgot often how to breathe.
The other me, victorious, watched me shake and seethe.

I came to understand that faith was more than just a word...
This set me on a healing path where at long last I was heard.
My mental demons, in retreat, refused to fully leave--
But I could feel again, and I must continue to believe.

Obstacles are more than just a lazily whispered: No
The other me is still attached; not quite a friend nor quite a foe.
Panic, depression, compulsive: I was rewarded many a name--
Nothing stung my soul so fiercely as feeling I was the one to blame.

There was no rhyme or reason--this had to be my fault!
Guilt ravaged my waning sanity, as I begged for it to halt.
My wounds were raw, so fragile--I always asked myself: why me.
Held captive in my head, repeating yet another final plea.

Black Sheep

Not fitting in
Feeling the sting
Of the familial shearing
As my woolen self worth is stripped
Did I cause the ousting of
My place on this earth?
Is this banning deserved?
Outside looking in
My words go unheard
Perhaps I was lewd
And now it's just me,
Without brood
But I grew a thick skin
Not fitting in
Not being accepted
Make my muscles tense up
From feeling rejected
Loud, yes, but loving
As that's just my way
Crying alone on this hilltop
I have but one thing to say:
BAA-AA.

Something From My Days Of Youth

when i found this ohhhh such memories! i used to have a poster of this tacked to my bedroom wall when i was just a kid..so glad to have stumbled across it again...i've been on my poetry site lately so kinda been ignoring blogger...to return soo...

Peace--Have You Really Given It A Chance?

Crazy world or crazy people? one for all but none for one? i'm tired of us being smart enough to have the questions but not smart enough to have the answers. moreover, i'm most weary of sounding freakin' whiny and begging for bullshit that will never, ever happen...i want results--- tangible, sturdy, effective, mind strengthening results....not whininess of what should or could or might be. i feel hot with impatience and intolerance-- and that scares and saddens me for i USED to be strong ...so strong in my younger days---  yet also so wonderfully apathetic .Maybe, maybe by NOT giving a shit... comes peace. Maybe THAT'S the blissful paradox and at last a question with an answer!!! sometimes forgiving yourself-one of the hardest things to do-is the best peace you will ever know. Forget what's "right" (California just legalized gay marriages) my youngest son says: who cares? let them marry! (could that be the blessed apathy i used to feel and display when i was his age? or just his confident and laid back live and let live sense of fairness--- misguided, unjudged or not?) i say-forgive yourself and all your doubts and prejudices and especially the shivering in your boots: "oh i'll be sinning if i condone or believe in or for that"--Your soul knows more than you do and your heart can never lie. forgive yourself first. gently so. gently so.
   I  promise, the world will not end..... ONLY YOUR GUILT....

A Piece Of The Pie

GIVING UP?  
i can do that. done it before. can do it again.
no shame there. do not judge me  you arrogant do-gooder. if i quit, so what. been a long time coming. proud i held out as long as i did-why can't you see that? quitting does not a loser make. it's never TRYING  at all...and even then, there are exceptions. no losers here in buck land. just hope and faith and thoughts and ideas...not dreams or fantasies mind you, for i do live in the real world BUT i must say that dreams and fantasisies DO play an important fuction in the spirit of man. I'm still a play by the rules gal...tho  am a schemer and hav been known to BEND the "rules" so to speak on more than one occasion...but overall, i want realism. solid ground. not wisps of what may or could be... those feelings ARE NICE but seldom get the job done. trust me, i hate being a rule follower...i soooo want to be a fantasy girl...truly i do.  no pressure there, just oblivious trust that things will work out.unfortunatetely i'm cursed with a thinking brain and a smart one at that- if ya dont mind a bit of tooting my own cerebreal horn..
fuckin thinkin' is so overrated.

just let me be.life you wonderful ironic joyous pain in the ass, why cannot you let me just be??? so many demands and obligations and responsibilities and crap that truly i could just puke right now. if ignorance IS  bliss...then is knowledge...what? not bliss??? weeelll there u go..i'm not bliss.  i want to be bliss. blissss bllisss blllisss  elusivie fuckin bliss  piss on bliss.

life made me have a personna that cannot dismiss certain truths and that's cool ok i'm cool with that; i can deal with that. but let me dissect this pie of life and deal with one slice at a time. ok??? no ala mode. just one slice. please.  please. give me the chance to digest this slice and feel secure enough to go onto the next, ok?!! you pie giving mother fucker. anyway, i'm really a "i want the cake and eat it too" kind a person.  (which for the life of me, i've never been able to figure out why it is so wrong to feel that way...i mean, what the hell is WRONG about me wanting to actually eat the cake that i have??) afterall, i've had MORE than my share of eating that humble pie i can tell you that right now!

how could I have been so blind for so long??

I'm a cake girl. 
Not a pie girl!

My Birth Verse--(see what yours is)

Luke 9:22 NIV
And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

I find this ironic because of how shameful I acted on Easter Day, just a few days ago...maybe I'll blog about that later...all fingers pointing at me. Think I'm in the familial dog house...

BirthVerse :: Scripture Verse for your Birthday.

My Ghost

    My son, James, and I got home last night, after midnight, from my folks, enjoyed an evening of visiting, eating, playing games, the usual...
    What WAS NOT usual was what happened immediately upon our arrival home. now i've come a long way from my mental fall out(s) and i was pretty happy that yesterday, april 17, marked my one yr anniversary of no more booze, and also the day i was put on medication for my depression and phobias, but moreover, it had been a full year since my last full blown panic attack...meaning of course, on the late night drive home, my thoughts were racing--naturally, my 20 yr old son james was driving my car as sure, i've come a long way, but i still have yet to get back to driving, and because i was i was having irrational thoughts about, whoa, what if--the two words i have been counseled never to use--i freak out now thus not reaching my full yr or whatever! making the ride home anxiety ridden and keeping me on the edge. really nothing new there though.
    So we made it home and our 9 yr old rat terrier, roxy, greeted us excitedly and james flipped on his favorite kitchen light over the sink and we sat in the living room. just then the kitchen light, the bulb of which he had just replaced not even a week ago, started to flicker and shimmer and then went out. fine. but allow me to digress....for several months now, i have been feeling something lightly walking on my bed. it almost feels like how a dog heavier than 12 pound roxy would feel if said dog was walking on my mattress. once, i even felt it from under the mattress--i was lying on my bed and then thump, the mattress just was bumped from underneath, causing me to even move. i always quickly look to see where roxy is and she's always sleeping quietly in her doggie bed by my closet door. i've told james about these weird bed things, but just blew it off.
    Last month my dad was here, talking about he is going to cover the living room floor vents as i am soon going to have new carpet installed. He did his measuring etc and came back a few days later to do the job. but, the day after he was first here, i came out of my bedroom about 10am, walking towards the computer desk in the living room, and right then and there in full frontal view, i saw a white wispy mist, swirling up from near the floor vent nxt to the coffee table--it was about two feet long and about six inches wide, and it wafted up and swirled and curled itself around back floorward, under the coffee table towards the yet to be covered floor vent and disappeared. i was transfixed, but yet not afraid. no fear at all, did i feel. and i've thought about that mist many times since then and have told several family members about it.
    Ironically, just a few days ago, i told james how i'm still feeling the mattress walker on my bed, and in fact just last week, two nights in a row, it was a different thing: me laying in bed, tv on, i'm half asleep, but then as clear as day, i feel something jump onto my bed, strong enough to jostle me from my sleep, and wake up, look around, see roxy in her bed. very strange. james said, wow,  that he did not know that that was still happening. i said, for sure, but i just don't talk about it...
     Now, back to arriving home last night...when the kitchen light first flickered and went out, i thought to myself: why not talk to the spirit, so i did. i said, ok, you must be my bed walker, can you turn that light back on? and the light came back on, then went out. james and i looked at each other nervously, with wide eyes. i said to the ghost: oh well, once is just a coincidence, do it again and then maybe i'll believe you are real. and, just like that, on perfect cue, the light blinked back on for a good 5 seconds, then went out. james and i talked about it for a few minutes, and then not to be put off, i requested that the ghost prove just one last time that it can do it again, to please just try, even if you are feeling drained. well, the light, to our chilling surprise, qucikly flashed on and held itself on for several seconds  then blinked out. meanwhile, roxy had hid behind our tv shelf. james and i discussed this phenomenon for at least 30 minutes. roxy slinked out from behind the shelf and with her tail tucked, stayed close by my side. she was shaking slightly. i asked: what's wrong girl, what's wrong? her ears perked up in answer to my questions and i said: go get it, roxy. and whenever in the past i say to her: go get it--she instantly runs to the front door but this time she made a few steps towards the kitchen then stopped in her tracks and came back to my side, trembling again. and then she would stare off into the kitchen. very odd. i told james, ok, it's been over 30 minutes since we've asked the ghost to turn the light back on, as we were waiting to see if the light would turn on without our request--which it had not. i said, ok the bulb is for sure dead now; i said good night to the ghost and just then the light blinked on and off, ON CUE! that's when i said, no more, and got up and turned off the light switch. almost immediately, roxy was herself again.
    And, we all went to bed.
    Now, what the hell was that all about?

Next day: When james got home from his job at around 8pm, i told him to turn on the kithchen light and see if the ghost wants to talk. he flipped on the switch, no light came on, so i said--hello ghost, oh well, looks like you are as dead as that bulb. (yes, a little provoking, as for sure by now, that bulb would not come on again) but it did! right on cue. i said, thankyou ghost. and the light blinked on and off again, as if to say you're welcome. james and i just looked at each other in uneasy amazement....i said, well, now i'm freaked out. and the light blinked on and off. i replied to the ghost--oh you like that i'm freaked out, huh? and there again, the light came on then off. that's when i said, ok, time to change the bulb, which james promptly did.
     All i can say is--much like every other skeptic--it had to be just a crazy bulb, one that just so happened to perfectly know when to respond to my questions and/or comments...c'mon, is that really so hard to believe??? no harm in a little defying of logic, now is there? hmmmm...?

Late Night Thoughts

i have intuition--some may call it paranoia but that would be just plain mean--yet here i am, wide awake at 4am, thinkin about my oldest son, john, in the pa poconos. okay you got me, i'm worrying...(something i'v inadvertantly successfully accomplished) --john should be at work and i just tried to call him but only got his vm. we briefly talked earlier.but he's not really what i'm "worrying" about... 
  i feel like i've become quite freakin boring ever since i stopped drinking last april...not that i was any major prize as a raging alcoholic but at least, in my sloppy drunken stupors, i thought i was....so, when i do on occasion worry about my adult sons, i simply call it my motherly entitlement. basically, it sucks, them not needing me any more, because now i'm only left to focus on myself and god knows i'm no good at taking care of me. in fact, i've been on such a self destructive path for way too long now that i'm at a total loss as to how to even rememdy or to change all the bad i've done to myself, my health, my body, my ways. so i sit here, a 49 year old freak of nature, bleeding like crazy as that monthly shit won't stop--where oh where is my menapause? and i think of odd things--such as a recent mole hair addition to my face-also i've been wondering why, on a spiritual whim, back in the summer of 1999, after a good four or five years of playing the newly divorced i-will-cast-off-my-marital-shackles and play the slut mom for a while (which by all accounts was shameful and provocative and for sure far from sexually satisfying) why then did i make that vow of celibacy and promise god that i will give up sex (sex, not orgasms mind you, for i'm no fool) until i either actually fall in love or get married again neither of which has happened so who knew it would be this long??? i was tested for all the std's etc and started living a life of no more boom boom and before i knew it, my prime sex years were behind me instead of a giving man.... 
   and i regret and i sigh and i wonder...mostly though i wonder, with all of our technology, why no one in this fuckin universe of ours can offer me a landline corded phone with a cord that WILL NOT tangle itself into a tight curled plastic frenzied frustating mess of unyielding bullshit.

Cheers!

well, today is my 12th anniversary of living here, bought this home, new, back in 1999--ironic that my first night in this abode was on april fool's day...my first four yrs after my divorce, i rented a little slumlord duplex for me and my two little boys. i was so proud, as that was my first place on my own, ever. and, somehow, i've managed to finanacially survive on my own, making shit for pay, and of course, no child support, and of course, no help in achieving the said child support-- no matter how many agencies i begged to help me. that's an old story, for my ex has since passed, (alcoholism) and i still carry on. and ps-i'd rather have my boys' dad alive and well over any amount of arrearages he owed.

so cheers to me on my anniversary...may i live long enough to pay off the mortgage! morevover, may i live long enough to feel alive...

I Am A Fraud

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 62:6



sure, i put on a brave front...but that is all it is: a front. basically, i am a fraud though not on purpose or by design mind you...however, that does not make me any less of a fraud. if i kid myself, it is only hurting me. or..........is it?
  i am so extremely sick of hearing my same ole whinings, my same old promises, my same boring old plans to change. indeed, i am the girl who cried: bullshit, for even i no longer believe in what i say. my ideas are good in theory--however; my body never puts things into motion. i seldom get headaches but have had them for several days now. i want to sleep all day. i do not even really cry anymore which is shocking in itself. anxiety, as horrible as that feels, is now replaced by sheer nothingness. numbness. apathy. i do not want to move. i do not want to think. i have seemed to have given up. i really do not understand this new me.
 i know i have physical limitations which that in and of itself is a major reflection of my daily rituals or rather lack thereof. i crave to be more active.the tragic truth is: i probably am not as apathetic as i claim to be, for if i truly was without care, i would not be mourning the loss of physical movement that i used to have and took so much for granted. now i simply want to be able to stand long enough to take a nice shower before my back begins to burn and my trembly legs turn into jello. i simply want the simple things of being able to walk more that ten feet before needing to sit and rest. i even, just a few days ago, bought some veggie seeds to plant a little garden in the flower bed on the side of my house, the flowers which froze during our four day freak freeze in january. there are the packets of seeds, on the kitchen table, taunting me, for even they know thay shall never be planted. i bought deck sealer months ago...my deck will never be sealed by me. i ambitiously if not foolishly bought a quart of indoor paint and a paintbrush to do a little touch up painting on my back door frame--ha, who was i kidding?? my body is stiff, my neck constantly creaks, and my soul is tired.
i am a fraud....and i do not even do that well any more.

so...i sit here, conscience of my tight tense body, sipping a diet grape soda (which disgustingly reminds me of sugary sweet children's cough syrup) and i am processing my thoughts, and i just want to disappear. but then luckily i remember, i all ready have.

The Plight of the Multi Phobic Single Mom

Yes. It is true. I am fucked up. But, I am smart. How very fortunate for me that studies have shown that the truly high in IQ's are the ones most likely to suffer from these types of phobias and ocd's. Okay....but..... I'm still envious of the ignorant is bliss syndrome.

my cat of 15 years, how he annoys me!! forcing his love on me when all i want to do is brood! AND! being a stubborn oblivious feline, he resists when i loudly say scat or even when i push him away...he will simply velcro is body to the carpet and continue to purr and to continue to show me his love. at least my dog knows how to respect my space and my misery...

To all who were ever fired unjustly: KISS MY ASS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH, EAST TO WEST AND THEN UP YOUR OWN ASS TIL THE EVIL THAT IS YOU KEELS OVER FROM YOUR VERY OWN CORPORATE INFECTED STENCH

even layin' low, drama creeps in under my front door, laughing and pointing....I know life will always just do things TO me, but I want to do things WITH it...if not in the actual drivers seat, at least in the passenger seat...in my car of life, seems I've always chosen the safer, slower lanes or the easier, longer back routes--but watch out, think I just may have to move up to tailgater!! (just hope I have enough gas left in me!!)

waiting for a miracle...(is it REALLY ok to actually like myself now or to continue to wait for the julie i'm aspiring to be in the future...?) he said: i see no cause to wait. i replied: see, it's logic like that that seems to elude me, or even if i see it, i still seem to choose to ignore it... guess i've been in a funk for hmmmm the past 20 yrs or so...whoa how time flies when depression is my familiar counterpart! you are right though. maybe this is a new stage in my life! and i should just go for it..! scary tho...

had a visit from an old friend last night, one who i did NOT WANT TO SEE--name: anxiety. thank you heaven above for removing this "friend" from my home and my heart!

watching my youngest son, fumbling towards a vague future (as his dreams are not yet put into goals,) watching him miss opportunities, and hearing his negative, misguided beliefs in higher education and religion is nothing short of my heart breaking on a daily baisis...i find solace only in my faith that God has a plan for us all...

my question of the day: oh the agony of living, as well as the joy---i wonder...are both on equal grounds or does one or the other only get the upper hand if we allow it?

denzel's right: you GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO so as eventually you can DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO! (much like myself, so many folk never do the "gotta do" part so end up never being able to do what they "want to do" part. pity.

why do people so easily (almost eagerly) believe in EVIL, --which by all accounts is Satan.....BUT YET, demand PROOF OF GOD?????? ( i say, look outside, and THERE'S your "proof" -- you demented fools.) luckily God has mercy even on the ignorant...

are illogical thoughtless people secretly evil geniuses OR simply oblivious true blue dumbasses???

my biggest pet peeve?? ok, when people say whatever rude thing they want (and usually totally mean it) AND THEN TRY AND BACK PADDLE and blame it ON YOU by saying bull like: oh i didn't mean it LIKE THAT, or, YOU took it the wrong way. blah blah blah either way THEY got to say whatever horrible thing they felt and then TRY and justify it by telling you it's YOUR fault for reacting negatively to it. what a load!

Getting Fucked

it's nothing new, getting fucked. my ass is now on permanent birth control, i've been fucked over so many times. the good bad or the ugly, it will happen to you. people fucking people is just a jacked up fact of life. i'm talkin' now about the corporate dick fuck. and the governmental anal invasion, as well as the all too familiar lack of proper customer service ass screw. no gettin' around it. you just have to hold your breath and let the fucking finish doing you in before you can fart a sigh of relief and go about your merry way. any ass fucking that doesn't kill you will only make you angrier. and anger is a great way to survive these rectum attacks. now i'm not saying to just bend over and make it any easier for this shit to happen. indeed, stand your ground and take it like the decent human being you are..know that this will soon all be only be a smelly memory and that the one true thing you can rely on is: one day, the fucker will eventually be the fuckee. and THIS FACT, my friends, is what makes this suffering tolerable. heh heh heh heh

Why Me

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

Sitting here, not really feeling much of anything....a little anxiety, i suppose, but nothing too severe. My son is at his job, so it's just me and my little dog. it's dark out, and from the slightly parted curtains on one of my living room windows, i can see a cars' headlights, parked in the next door neighbors driveway. makes me aware that i don't drive any more. i have a perfectly fine car and all, but...my claustraphobia got the best of me last year, and too many intense panic attacks happened while driving, so, i just, can't or won't, drive anymore. like a baby, i have my son drive me weekly to the grocery store. makes me feel absolutely ridiculous, and angry at myself. i have gotten on new types of meds almost a year ago and they have worked wonders. so i believe that my refusal to drive is now just a memory fear, for driving itself i am not afraid of--it's the things that i have physically and mentally experienced while driving that i fear. trapped. cannot be at a light unless i'm on the right side lane and/or either i am the first one at the light and/or i have an "out" easily available.. left turn lights, no way, no escape. freeways and bridges, forget it. for a while there, i could not even be a passenger. now that sucked. it's still hard to be a passenger, and i still will not allow the driver to get on bridges or freeways. it's messed up. in fact, it's messed up my whole life. i'm letting life pass me by, and i've cheated myself out of so much living and invitations for fear my dirty little secret would be discovered. now all those closest to me know, but before, when work things were going on, or just casual get togethers with acquaitances or whatnot, or even formal such as weddings etc, i would not attend. i hate that i am like this. i know avoidance is not the answer, but it was and is all i know. makes me soul sad. i mostly accept it now, but still a part of me thinks i can get back to at least driving again. that is my goal. i want to see driving as freedom--which it is actually. i must re train my brain. i'm so weary of being teary. frankly, i'm exhausted from years of learning how to compensate for this phobia. and it hurts. i feel i am too smart to be so stupid, to have allowed myself to become a victim, a prisoner in my own mind, body, and home. i've been digging a tunnel to breaking out of this hold, but my shovel is small and my fear is... big.

The Whole World

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." - Psalms 116:1-2

-2

Seems i've always had the whole world at my fingertips, but never yet to have it securely in the palms of my hands. i think i'm, a watcher. funny, always thought of myself as a doer. and i do, do. lately tho, i watch. still get things done, because life dictates i must, but i seldom actually participate. In life. Seems i mostly live in the past, regretting it, or in the future, fearing it. just when did i become a failure? by my calculations, probably somewhere about thirty years ago. yes, that long. when i fail, i fail big, and forever. i could recover. mostly though, i just cover, and live in my denial mode which is comfy and familiar albeit self-defeating. i judge myself harshly. always have. where is my present? where did time go? where did i go? i hear myself repeating things to my sons that my parents used to tell me....and i see them not listening, much like i did at their age. life is a four letter word. luckily, a word can be heard from either ear. i sit here, alone and dry skinned, menapausal, and strangely at peace. happiness is fleeting at best. peace truly is the sign of success. so perhaps i'm not so much a failure as i am simply, ambition-less. i know me. i know my weaknesses. do i know my strengths?? i believe that i do. and i do have things that i still i want to do. but does that an ambition make? no more questions now. just quests, for my life is entering a whole new stage, and with open arms, i think i will greet it thusly. wish me luck.

untitled

I cry not for the pain felt upon Man

But for the pain felt upon animal--

For Man knows and can understand pain

While animals are innocent to the

Reasons of their suffering...

Peace And Tragedy

Unlike tragedy,

Peace has a strange glow to it and

Peculiar pastels of

Mellow oranges and

Soft pinks

Hover in one corner of the soul.

A star of black promises despair

While a lucky blue streak of hope

Hangs in the air.

The prince of snakes

Kneels before

The fence of flowers.

A serpent appears

Displaying its powers

While the roses bloom for hours.

Peace and Tragedy....

How like the calm, contented cat

That walks unknowingly into

The black widow's trap.

My Son Has No Ears and Four Mouths

whoever said that youth is wasted on the young is-- simply said: my hero. my theory is-- all kids are genetically predisposed to not listen, especially to their parents. hence why mistakes repeat themselves. us older more experienced folk have so much to share, to teach the young, but perhaps it is by not listening that the young will learn, as they need to experience as well. in short, the older generation, with wisdom in tow, has all this knowledge with no where to. what a pitiful tragic waste of a beautiful thing.

When Life Goes My Way

Even when life goes my way, I quickly look for the next worry..(now that can't be right.) Is there something just fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I so quick to dismiss happiness--as fleeting as my happy feelings may be-- as an alarm button to be on the alert for my next crisis? Why, I wonder, am I so prone to looking for the worst, or at the very least, a dilemma? Am I not capable of simply enjoying the here and the now when I am actually feeling good? What makes me put up the old familiar red flag whenever all is seemingly okay? Is it because "seemingly" is the key word? And that I just don't really believe in "okay?" Do I want to ditch "okay" before it ditches me? Is this some sort of warped defense mechanism? I know I want to feel good and at peace (for I accept actual happiness as only a brief at best but wonderful feeling nonetheless.) and I actually see peace as the true sign of success...however; I almost cringe in disbelief when life goes my way and I shy away and accuse it of being misleading and cruel--in short, falsehoods. This good cannot be for me. Am I even worthy? I'm much more comfortable in my self made and/or brain imposed misery so when life throws me a meaty bone --I'm like please, do not play with me. I respond in a cautious way and demand my familiar meatless brittle bone, because I know that type of living and how dare it change on me without proper notice! Am I a cynic, or just a realist? Am I cheating myself out of all the good life has to offer as well as all the good I myself can derive from it? I thought I appreciate all the good I can get. or.... do I? When things are bad, I can relate to that and thereby justify my pain....but when things are good, how do I justify anything???

My Twenty Year Struggle

"I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:4

I have suffered and struggled with, tolerated, compensated for, sought medical help, psychological help, my own spriritual help, drank gallons of beer, upgraded to vodka last year and continued to self medicate...as social and sarcastic and fun loving as I am-- I have nonetheless been a recluse, a shut in, a hermit, a bed clinger, a fear dweller, a death wisher, a self hater, a self blamer, ashamed, confused, embarrassed, and desperately existing in total despair. In short, when I was 28, my first full blown out of the blue what the hell is this rush to the emergency room panic attack happened...and since then, the down hill continued. When I got fired from my job in Sept. 2009, (due to attendance issues, what else?) I sunk to the lowest of lows in the most severest of ways. I was afraid of everything, from darkness to driving to life itself. My fears, phobias, and obsessions ruled my every thought and breath. By the grace of God, I found just enough strength to be driven for medical attention in april 2010, and the very next day (april 16, 2010) I poured out my vodka--every true alcholic always remembers the exact day--and I have not touched a drop of booze since then...and have been on my way to leading and having my life back. I still will not drive, as some fears now are just memories that still I let control me...but I have come light years in this healing process, and I owe it all to my faith and to the treasured blessings Jesus and Mary, God and the saints have bestowed upon me.

My Woodburning Stove

 The fire crackles, it pops--

The world comes alive.

My spirit it rouses

And I feel I can thrive.

The music is mellow.

My mind takes it in.
No tension here.
I forget my past sins.

Peace is my ali.

I have a right to feel good.

Flashing fiery colors

Tell me I should.

I should know the joys

And the wonders I fear.

No worries now.

No guilt is here.

The fire, it flickers.

I gaze and I gaze.

I feel a world opening--

And I am amazed!

Pleasure and love

And laughter and good...

And all this because of

My warm burning wood.

Love Hopes

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - Romans 5:5

Crying for what was
Never does a bit of good--
But if I could feel the past...
How we were , oh yes, I would!
I awake trembling every morning,
Afraid to face the day...
Yet also loving life
But please, just not this way.
Something, somewhere, somehow
Has just gotten so confused.
Love is deep inside us
But outside, we are abused.
I cry, I sigh, I wish.
For us, I ache so much.
How could our loving souls
Grow so far out of touch?
Our apologies, so frequent,
Echo in my mind.
Feeble are these words that
Make me feel so blind.
Blank and empty; scared.
I want to know we are okay.
Afraid to embrace the now...but
Tomorrow's another day.

Blue Apple

The blue apple is a symbol of sarcasm.

The eagle sleeps on windless days.

Can apples fall from their trees

Even when there is no breeze?

The eagle is wakened by the noon sun's rays.

The blue apple is a sin to be feared.

The eagle is powerful and continues to fly.

To defeat a fear is to defeat a sin...

But apples are soon ripened again

For fertile seeds can never die.

Holed Up In My Room

what exactly IS left to say when there is nothing left to feel---save for defeat, anxiety, and fear?....which by NO MEANS add up to Anything...so, i guess what i mean to ask, is: what exactly is there left to say when there is nothing left to feel but so much negativity and fear...?? but, i digress, as i so often do...folk tell me: TOUGHEN UP, or, JUST RELAX....cool, i can relate...except for ONE THING: where's the manual on that shit????  i have no instructions on the following HOW TO'S: relax, toughen up, snap outa it, get it together, stop whining, whadda ya want me to do about it, you know what you have to do, just do it, ---OH MY GAWD!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!  i know this is all said to me outa love, but simply cuz ya say what i all ready KNOW i gotta do DOES NOT MEAN i can do it. it also doesn't mean that i dont know how. just means...i can't. not now. want or not. desire has no part in this. never has. call me a social outcast. call me whatever. i'm so social tho, that's what i don't get. i'm a paradox of wanting and knowing how but of can't and don't want to due to fear etc. wild. and terrifying. i hate it. damn it all....ok, few months later, no better really, just more bitter. and i might add- a tad more paranoid. being holed up in your room i suppose tends to do that to one. this is so not my fault, yet i will balance a shitload of self imposed guilt on me daily, as well as guilt i feel i should just have for extra flavor, whatever, but nonetheless, i know intellectually logically medically etc that THIS is not my fault...yet...i still feel soooo frail and ashamed and alarmed and hurt and scared and inactive and overwhelmed and lost and lonely and lonely lonely lonely( LONELY worthe mentioning more than once) as no one gets it, or seems to--not even ME AND I'M THE ONE EXPERIENCING IT-- so go figure. i hate me. pure and simple. simple minded. (i wish!) one thing i'm not. (i wish) ignorance, as "they" say is bliss...how i miss bliss. bliss now only comes in a bottle marked heavenly hill (vodka, circa 2009) and it is bliss, temporary at best, but a gal like me does deserve an honest break, doncha think???

nov.15,2009

"May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you." - Psalm 20:1

Where Did Julie Go?

august 11, 2009

....i USED to be there...for sure i KNOW I WANT to be there...i just don't know, if, i am...or, if i even care. Whoever is here now--it's NOT ME. i know that much for sure.
and it's not like it's been a recent thing. i have not been me since i was 28 yrs old. i can almost pinpoint the exact freakin day, right down to what i was doing, right before i... disappeared.
  Mind you now, i didn't choose to "disappear"---it happened TO ME. and..... i've been fighting it ever since. sometimes fiercely, sometimes quietly, sometimes desperately, sometimes wrongly...but fighting nonetheless. and i'm fuckin exhausted. truly fucking exhausted. sometimes i can accept this "new" me as really i seem to have no choice=afterall= wherever i go, i follow, ya know. so i figured, can't fight it, join it. that however never brought the original me completely back. and that's not fair. that sucks big time. and it saddens me so severely...so fucking severely. i'll be whoever i am, but i still want some say in the matter. "overcoming this anger that i've come to know, lacking a peace of mind i've lost some time ago" (streisand song quote). not an easy task. i'm sick of challenges. if we are spirits of power, calm, and sound mind and not ones of fear (as the bible tells us)...then why, i ask, am i so full of fear??? at times, paralyzing fear. no lie. just agonizing fear. emotional despair. someone close to me recently said that i just must like "feeling sorry" for myself. how not true!! i MAY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BUT!! i definitley do NOT LIKE IT. another close one said that i'm not supposed to change who i am or keep attempting to rid this other part of me that has taken over...but to accept it, which like i said earlier, i've tried doing that because it just made good sense to me back then (and i'm nothing if not logical) and it actually still makes sense. this person, just last night in fact said to me that once i truly ACCEPT this me, or this part of me, then the fear will begin to dissipate...because i will be giving it nothing to feed on. of course, i tell him, human instinct tells me to run from things that scare me, but THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED IT. only when i say, ok, come here, i'm yours, come get me, be me, do whatever the hell you want, ONLY THEN will it stop, only then will i feel the calm again, the me i once was...and the OLD ME is back, at least temporarily so. and that's how i've been living. not the best way to live. it's quite stressful...but my cross to bear i suppose and a heavy, painful one at that. very painful. no one knows. no one. oh, i mean folk close to me do "know" about this part of me, but no way do they, could they, or would i ever WANT them to, actually know what it feels like. for now, i will be grateful to breathe, and to love. and no longer will i ask myself: where did julie go? for she's right here, as sincere as ever, a tad older for sure, definitely a tad wiser, and for sure a lot more aware and appreciative of the life and gifts around her...

ps  and a most happy birthday tomorrow, to you, korey, with love

Wooden Owl

A wooden owl with

Round yellow eyes

Hangs on my wall with two pins

Hearing my lies,

Seeing my sins.
Owl of wood, of dulling brown--
How great to be so wise and
To never utter a single sound
Save for when in anger

I swing your blocky chimes together

Proving knowledge you have not

For even though a sound you did so make
I relish to recall
That a hand of mine it so did take--
Making me the wiser afterall.
Oh, you old wooden owl with
Round yellow eyes--
Still watching my life,
Still hearing my cries.

dedicated to another teenage memory....

SANDCASTLE

There is a sandcastle blowing past me.

The wind whips my plain face,

 Lashing me with grains of sand.

It stings.

The ocean is roaring.

The seagulls, soaring

Above my head

Make me think about being dead.

Would my spirit fly--HIGH!--

Like these birds in the sky?

And could I drift and float

And then soar some more

And sail like a boat

And glide and dive,

And arrive in Heaven?

The sandcastle is beautiful.

So is death.

A 70's Teen

 to memories...

Old, dusty rock albums

Atop a yellow paint-chipped shelf;

Reflections from my past...

My yesterday self.

A black and white tv

With a paper rose for one antennae.

A blue velvet Peace poster

Tacked on the sliding closet door.

A green milk crate "table"

Holding spiral notebooks and more.

A weeping girl

Harboring negative outlooks

Stemming from distorted insights.

If I asked you to,

Would you follow me

Without asking where we were going?

The fire crackles, it pops--My spirit it rouses

The world comes alive.

And I feel I can thrive.

The music is mellow.

My mind takes it in.
No tension here.
I forget my past sins.

Peace is my ali.

I have a right to feel good.

Flashing fiery colors

Tell me I should.

I should know the joys

And the wonders I fear.

No worries now.

No guilt is here.

The fire, it flickers.

I gaze and I gaze.

feel a world opening--

And I am amazed!

Pleasure and love

And laughter and good

And all this because of

My warm burning wood.

The fire crackles, it pops--

The world comes alive.

The fire crackles, it pops--

The world comes alive.